viewingcamelot

When I was just a little child

I wondered that my heart should beat.

Odd, my lungs should fill, expand,

And then allow that air retreat.

I’ve never belonged upon this crust;

Born a dead, old soul.

My body, ill-designed for life,

Has never functioned whole.

I’ve lodged arguments, filed complaints.

What great polemics I’ve intoned!

In fear and dread, beat at Your breast

With tantrums I have thrown.

But You, Eternal Wisdom,

Chose to plant in me

A spark of life I could not douse

Within time’s raging sea.

Through all the pain of here to there,

And all attacks of men,

You’ve sustained the life You gave

That’s tarried here, in skin.

I’ve never understood Your ways,

But I understand they’re grand.

I’ve never found my niche in life,

But the one within Your hand.

I finally see. I trust You now

Due to repetitions of Your grace.

My fists have lost the fury

That once beat You to turn Your face.

Again, You’ve planted life within

A frame never designed for such,

But You’ve always shown, inside Your hand

Even so little can still be much.

Where there’s life, there’s hope,

But I cannot give what is not mine.

You alone are life itself,

And every gift You give, divine.

I’ve tasted hard truths, hard providence,

Melt from bitter into sweet.

I’ve seen You fashion broken bits

Of sorrow into joy complete.

Here I am, my mortal eyes

Cannot see what You will do,

But I believe; hide my unbelief

Somewhere beyond my view

So I won’t ask about my sin,

Or if You even care.

I know, wherever life exists,

Your breath is moving there.

I know what being Your orphan has given me;

Open roads, open fields, open air.

Music that’s mine, and mine alone,

While miles of maps pass through my hair.

Breaths of beauty from a distance,

Taken, cherished, but never consumed.

Grief left where it lay;

I never stayed to see it entombed.

In the dark, when tears crept in,

I hid my weeping from all cold-hearted.

You heard, You always have,

But unlike all, You never departed.

I only laughed for You;

When we danced, we danced alone.

I in rags, but no one near

To condemn me, nor condone.

I found my whole identity

In the love story that ensued;

I broke, beat You, and fled-

You ever passionately pursued.

You taught me how to see the world

Through Your eyes, till fear submerged

Into the fathomless depths of love,

And from all chaos, cosmos emerged.

My most precious treasures they repudiated,

Mocked, as they mocked You,

But those foolish trinkets, other’s trash,

Were infused with healing truth.

So I ran from those who wielded truth

As slaver’s whips and daggers cloaked,

While You pursued to tend my wounds

And mend the bones the righteous broke.

Now You ask me for my keys,

My running shoes, my best defense.

You’ve asked me to commit to these

Who’ve never offered recompense.

And I know that I will yield to You,

Exit the fish belly some upcoming hour,

But only because we don’t wield the truth;

You wield us in Your perfect power.

And when these wound again,

Please still remember me then.

My bones weren’t crushed

But broken all the same.

They’ve healed now, twice as strong

As their original frame,

And You knew they would.

How odd these scars

Dealt by devastating blows

Could bring a smile

Because now they show

How You healed them.

Your great big Love

Mends where it moves.

I have tasted, seen.

It always proves

You alone are God,

And I am Yours.

Am I here again?

Will the peace descend

To reveal another war,

Another bloody shore?

Will I stand and fight,

Or hide from Your sight

Every secret You always knew?

Will I sing Your truth

Or burn my lies?

My smoke-filled skies

Cover the light of victory.

Will I find a bit of bravery

To announce Your deeds?

How many will bleed

For my cowardice?

Battle’s early mists

Can no longer thrill.

Even if I lose, even if I’m killed,

I cannot be destroyed

Or discarded to the void

To suffer any more.

I’ve fought here before,

And You raised my bones.

So I’ll stand for my only home,

The unseen kingdom.

He said, “God’ll love you baby

Just be Holy like He is.”

But I’m only holey like a pair a jeans,

And these things are big-biz,

Formal attire.

I’ve worn the nice clothes,

Don’t get me wrong, nice yokes,

But grease stains and coffee grinds

Strain the eyes of cleaner folks,

Who look away.

He said, “God’ll love you baby,

Just walk that narrow line.”

But I’m lucky I can walk at all,

Lucky when I feel just fine

In the morning sun.

I’d walk it if I could, I swear,

But I don’t see so good sometimes.

I’m good at apologizing later,

Or forgiving other people’s crimes.

Shame that don’t count.

I said, “God, will you love me Baby,

When I clean up, someday I will, I swear.”

He walked with me through littered streets.

He said, “I love you now, baby, I’m here

Because I’m holy enough for two.

I brought an eternity.

Can I spend it with you?”

Did I forget

Who owned the words?

Did I let emotions

Paint reason into absurd?

Did I forget

Whose story I tell?

Did I let fear

Take over and quell

The gift of resolve?

–

These scars are heavy

When no longer hidden.

I may not be ready,

But I feel I’m driven.

Is that enough to stand,

To persevere though pained?

Would You force this hand

So unsure, so untrained,

To trace the words You choose?

All I am, all I’ve been,

Belongs solely to You,

My timeless love, my ageless friend.