Dear God,

I’ve carried the lies I was given
As far as I was able-
Desperate for them to be true
Building layers into the fable
That never fit the behaviors.

They never loved me,
And how embarrassingly I’ve flailed
Trying to earn it, or make-believe,
Perpetually aching over the ways I failed
To be enduring and endurable.

I’m ready now to set it all down
To accept the truth, to confess
I was always the one clinging,
Cleaning up the mess
Bridging the gap. 

I wanted to believe empty words
Let everything be layered in complications
So I could imbue love
Through my many translations,
Beyond the evidence

But it’s always been simple
I wasn’t loved, wasn’t cared for-
Used, abused, neglected
I can’t sift through the ashes anymore
For what was never there.

All these years building,
But nothing stands
The relationships I craved
Held for ransom demands
I must no longer pay.

And in the flood that follows
The breaking dam,
I’m lost in the worst riptide
Questioning who I am
And what I’ve believed.

Come find me.
Don’t leave me out here
To drowned in the grief,
In the unmet hope and deepest fear
Of the unloved little child.

Who are You?
What am I?
Mute, empty, but if You cared,
If that wasn’t my own lie,

Come find me.

May God be true
And every man a liar.
We see in part and move,
But His way is higher.

We cling to the selfmade sin
Skewing our ability to see;
Let The Sinless One
Ever blessed be.

If I never carry another flag,
If I never speak another word,
If I’m thrown on the refuse
With the proud and absurd

If I die a thousand silent deaths
And pass from the realm of men
Into eternal punishment,
It fits the perpetual sin

Stained by the grief of the repetition,
The dysfunction, the mangled twists-
My failure to achieve the standard
Cannot negate He exists.

I wash my hands as Pilate.
I withdraw into my pains
While outside this faithless space
The King Eternal reigns.