viewingcamelot

Relative Observation is Measurement.

It’s been my cumulative experience,
If I’m qualified to use the word
That no one is safe
Everyone is spurred
Into action along lines of self
That can not value others
Beyond basic posturing
Beyond reducing brothers
Into binary analysis
Based on gradations
Of derived, perceived benefit
And minimized complications-

A kind of comparative scaling
Over and against objective measures
Because no one gets off their island
And the value of their treasure

Diminishes in inverse ratio with distance and cost.

To explain the joke:
This is also hypocritical analysis.
Safe is a relational condition.

I was descended
From madness
And unto madness
I may yet descend

Whatever slope
My path may take
I purpose, I resolve
To do no harm
Along the way

As much as it depends on me.

I will try to add to, and not usurp,
People’s natural resources.

I may be a pariah,
But I will not be a parasite.

Bless them,
Not to make them cease
In a way that engorges their sin,
But weave for them true joy and peace.

Give them the best fruits You grow
Union with You,
Grace and love, patience, wisdom,
Help them live true

Whether I’m still around to see,
Bless them for me.

Give them my blessing.

Forgive me.

I have used my words
As torpedoes, to blow apart,
Because no one reads them
And I had murder in my heart,

But I am just as much to blame.
Forgive them, forgive me,
And sponge away the malice
I sowed as poisoned seeds.

Bring healing, bring hope,
Bring restoration.
Weave Your beauty with the threads
Of our failures and limitations

Like You always do.

Forgive us all.
We stand equally condemned
Of not being enough like You
To love in kind, in time, to defend,

Let Your sacrifice defend us all.

Forgive me. Over my plantings
Sow love, whose roots
Grow stronger through hate’s
And strangle its fruit.

Sow love,
Before my failures bear fruit.

You are the same God;
You are One.
What You promise in storm or stillness
Will be done.
Your signature is written in blood;
It does not run.

Forgive me for making my problems
Look bigger than Your promise.

All I wanted
Was to get away.
In my great fear and aversion
I didn’t want to stay;
I looked for any way to escape-

That wasn’t keeping my vow.

He doesn’t seem like a monster,
Unless he’s hiding it from me.
I know he has dark corners
I cannot see
But he showed some freely;

Those obscure memories feel out of context.

He tries so hard
To be a good man,
And I’m such a mess
He’s the only one who can
Keep in step with me

Who stays, who allows me to be
The great cacophony of me.

And before You, I promised everything
Always.

And I can’t do it alone.

And aside from him, I always end up alone.

I want to blame the ones
Who have disappointed me
Who could have extended a hand
To help pull me
From these choppy seas,

But it’s all on me.

I should have seen.
I should have known.
If I had only listened
To You alone,
If I’d relinquished my groaning,

I wouldn’t be here.

I am not listening right now,
In this dream sequence I live in.
I hear You’re still speaking,
But my sin taunts me to give in,
To forget the language of heaven

To embrace the darkness.

I know it will undo me
But I feel my numb fingers
Reaching for the clasp
On Pandora’s Box, I linger
I hear Your people sing

Your promises.

I have never been enough,
But You have never deserted me.
What comes next scares me,
But You have preserved me
Through all the lies that hurt me,

That have carved into my soul.

In my brokenness
When there was nothing left
I begged You to fix Your love on me.
I am now caught in a godless cleft,
I live bereft

Of Your tender virtues

But Your grace isn’t just for the broken,
It’s for the breakers, too.
I am not innocent before You
Unless Your blood slakes
My guilt, unless You take

Loving me as seriously as You promise

And Your promise never expires.

Fix Your love on the traitor in me.
Finish what You’ve started,

Even if I’m not building anymore.

Look gently;
Absolve my sin.
I do not bridle my tongue.
I do not bridle my pen.

I am flailing in the deeps.
My arms slap the waves.
My fingers claw at the current
For something solid to save
But the saltwater stings my eyes
And burns in my open throat.
It wasn’t like this at first;
More than tragedy capsized my boat.

I was following Your lead,
Through the agony
But it kept my legs
Stable underneath me.
Something felt a step too far,
A step beyond what I could do.
I backed off Your ship,
And sank into the deep dark blue.
Was it bitterness?
A child’s exaggerated fear?
Was it my old reactions kicking in,
I run, I hide, I keep no one near,
I wall off even the memories.
I reset it all, to numb the nerves
Still sore from the perpetual pounding
Everyone agreed I deserve.

But everyone turned You black and blue.
You forgave them.
You restored them too.

Help me be more like You.

I waited for my father to come back
But he never did.
When I found him later,
He left again.

My husband has been leaving me,
And returning
But he’s gone for good,
And I’m learning.

You promised not to leave me
As an orphan
And You haven’t.
Will You love me more than these?

There is no one else coming for me.
I have lived between the cracks
For an entire lifetime.
Are You coming back?

You’ve shown me eternity.
If it weren’t so,
You would have told me.

P.S.

In spite of it all,
Thank You for all my days,
For the adventure We’ve been on
Through all the wandering ways
We’ve taken together.
You made faces at the dark
To make me laugh
You gave me Your spark
So I could look like You.

You taught me things
Too big for me to understand;
When I stumbled,
You steadied me in Your hands.
You’ve glowed with beauty
Beyond anything else I’ve seen
You’ve tenderly held me;
You’ve washed me clean.

You are the greatest love story of my life.

You are the only love story of my life.

(The scale-it-down version.)

I won’t try to hurt you
On purpose.
If I realize I have,
I’ll tell you.
I’ll try to build what you’re building
Or abstain,
But I won’t knock it down
On purpose.
I won’t set you up for failure
Or diminish you
On purpose.
When I realize I am,
I’ll stop.
Whatever we are, or aren’t,
I won’t bring anyone else into it;
We will stay alone together.
I will try to be honest
No matter what.
When I realize I haven’t been,
I’ll tell you.
I’ll think of you as my ally,
Not my enemy,
And not my victim.
I’ll help you be a better parent,
Not make it harder,
Or make you look bad to the kids.
I’ll try to remember
You are a non-renewable resource
And not draw too much from you at once.
When I realize I’m burning you out,
I’ll stop.
I’ll give you opportunities to rest.
I will make the kids a top priority.
I won’t steal from the family, or damage us, in any way I can help.