viewingcamelot

I am thinking

Maybe I will not send him away.
I’m so tired of being alone all the time.
He’s the only one who sees me,
And what are his crimes?

He doesn’t feel something
He believes
The rest of us do.

If anyone else could,
They would.

But he can sabotage my faith
In what I try to do.
Is accepting him a variation
Of rejecting You?

Why are we out here?
What more can You do for me?
I’ve been given more than I deserve
But I don’t know who to be.

I am weighed down
And tangled up
By this moment in time
Where every potential existence is still fluid-
We are about to solidify
All our future paradigms.

My next reality is elective
And somehow entirely dependent.

I may grow roots,
Or I may
Blow away with the wind.

They were my friends.
They just watched,
But they couldn’t see me.

Jeremiah 15:19

Psalm 138

Author and Finisher

Deliver My Words
From faithless futility.
Take captive my thoughts
Beyond my ability.

You have regarded me closely,
Not from afar, like You regard
The haughty of spirit;
You stay near when it’s hard.

You told me in my youth
Extract the precious words
And discard the worthless
But I treated as equal all I heard.

I live in the lies and can’t be drawn out
If I cannot treat them as garbage,
Which is what they are:
A message of carnage.

I struggle to forgive
When I can’t lift my head
To see the greater truths
That dispel my dread.

Don’t give up until I’m clean.
I know how much it hurts,
How angrily I scream at You
I do everything in bursts-

I forgive, I stand, I bite, I cry,
I fall lost in my own snare
Free me Father, don’t let me die
Give me wisdom to get from here to there

Unfettered and able
To serve You unencumbered.
Multiply the days
I have foolishly squandered

Even knowing they were numbered.

I’ve been punchdrunk.
In the throes, the death rattle,
I felt the desire surge
To meet unfair battle
Wherein I am exposed, vulnerable,
With ruthless slaughter.
I felt the lineage of Witch,
Of which I am a ransomed daughter,
Calling me to bloodlust
And the transactional curse.
But I belong to You,
Deliver us all from the hearse

Of our hateful sins.

I Believe You.

I was wrongly holding them to the standard
Of brother and fellow-heir
Instead of bringing the balm of the gospel
Into the pirate lair.

I want to hold them accountable
As equals in the faith, before You,
But I must let go and forgive them;
They know not what they do.

Help me, and deliver me
From a life of useless activity.
Help me bring everyone I know
Back to the nativity,

Through the cross,

Onward into Your ascension.

Hide me in Yourself.

I struggle to find
Where the thin line begins and ends:
Whether I’m forgiving a wrong,
Or endorsing a sin.

Perhaps a fitting thing,
Ceteris paribus, to pray
Is for their own daughters
One distant, darker day
Who find themselves
In terrible need
To have the only ones in their corner
Be to their daughters

Exactly what they have been to me.

Every awful bit exposed;
My past, my flaws, my sins
For their own reasons, ever unknown,
They watched again and again
Now I’m waking up
From the nightmare of it all,
But the echoes of my humiliation
Resound as a migratory call.

I wasn’t valuable to them,
And that’s genuinely fine.
They didn’t ask for my devotion;
They barely paid for my time.
Nothing in our agreement
Required affection; they were clear:
Take them on their own terms
Or get the hell out of there.

If I hadn’t believed I was safe
I wouldn’t have been unguarded,
If I had been guarded,
When this thing started
I wouldn’t have been undone.
So disassembling my machine
Displaying each part to the open sun
Must hopefully be to repair and clean.

Because what is meant for evil
God means for good.
This is a place of bitter waters to me,
I’d leave now if I could.
I think I’m learning my own behaviors
Earlier I wanted to stay
Maybe because I believed abusive men
Would repent and choose Your way.

I’ve never shaken the dust off my feet,
I lick it and plead
For remorseless human beings
Who cause others to bleed
To see what they can’t see
To care where they can’t care,
But I don’t want them to care anymore

I want to get the hell out of here.

Waking up in tremors,
Looking at the wreckage
Looking at my mess, and theirs,
Through moderate eyes

And they should still be ashamed of themselves.

My love is a lifelong pang
Of longing and deprivation.
Cradling a flame against the dark
Against the bitter, cold wind
Of unmet hope and expectation.

My love is an idea I protect
Even in the vacuous black hole
Where it may never wear flesh
Where it may only reflect my own soul
And never be a separate entity to behold.

But the idea is so beautiful
I cannot let it go.

The hand that holds the pen may shake
But the signature stays final
The ink may show the crooked lines
But the name alone is vital

These contracts we rush into
Ignorantly, blindly… I’m finding
Whatever the state we begin in,
Changes not the binding.

It’s about You, not me.
I trust You to lead and provide
I don’t trust my ability to see
So why build on my pride
Instead of Your generosity?

You have heard all my prayers;
You care for my small heart.
I don’t know how this will end,
But I am willing to start.

I’ve run all my life;
Today I stand for You.

I’m taking the leap;
Guide my trajectory,
Put some earth under my foot

Don’t let me fall
Or drop a passenger.