viewingcamelot

Every awful bit exposed;
My past, my flaws, my sins.
For their own reasons, ever unknown,
They watched again and again
Now I’m waking up
From the nightmare of it all,
But the echoes of my humiliation
Resound as a migratory call.

I wasn’t valuable to them,
And that’s genuinely fine.
They didn’t ask for my devotion;
They barely paid for my time.
Nothing in our agreement
Required affection; they were clear:
Take them on their own terms
Or get the hell out of there.

If I hadn’t believed I was safe
I wouldn’t have been unguarded,
If I had been guarded,
When this thing started
I wouldn’t have been undone.
So disassembling my machine
Displaying each part to the open sun
Must hopefully be to repair and clean.

Because what is meant for evil
God means for good.
This is a place of bitter waters to me,
I’d leave now if I could.
I think I’m learning my own behaviors
Earlier I wanted to stay
Maybe because I believed abusive men
Would repent and choose Your way.

I’ve never shaken the dust off my feet,
I lick it and plead
For remorseless human beings
Who cause others to bleed
To see what they can’t see
To care where they can’t care,
But I don’t want them to care anymore

I want to get the hell out of here.

Waking up in tremors,
Looking at the wreckage
Looking at my mess, and theirs,
Through moderate eyes

And they should still be ashamed of themselves.

My love is a lifelong pang
Of longing and deprivation.
Cradling a flame against the dark
Against the bitter, cold wind
Of unmet hope and expectation.

My love is an idea I protect
Even in the vacuous black hole
Where it may never wear flesh
Where it may only reflect my own soul
And never be a separate entity to behold.

But the idea is so beautiful
I cannot let it go.

The hand that holds the pen may shake
But the signature stays final
The ink may show the crooked lines
But the name alone is vital

These contracts we rush into
Ignorantly, blindly… I’m finding
Whatever the state we begin in,
Changes not the binding.

It’s about You, not me.
I trust You to lead and provide
I don’t trust my ability to see
So why build on my pride
Instead of Your generosity?

You have heard all my prayers;
You care for my small heart.
I don’t know how this will end,
But I am willing to start.

I’ve run all my life;
Today I stand for You.

I’m taking the leap;
Guide my trajectory,
Put some earth under my foot

Don’t let me fall
Or drop a passenger.

I don’t know another way.

You have been with me
Every hard, hurting day.
So many behind, more ahead;
In kindness, Father, Stay.

I’m going to try to build
A life centered around You.
Hold me, God,
My strength is through,

But Your strength is inexhaustible.
You be my strength.

John 5

I can’t build into people anymore.
Maybe I never could.
I don’t want to live as a parasite;
I want to impact people for good.
While I’m flailing,
So far from whole
I can’t protect anyone
From my own dark toll.
If I have nothing good to bring,
Then I am exacting a cost.
Am I evil?
Am I lost?

What I was as a child,
I am as an adult.
Nothing stops the hurting,
And I think it’s all my fault.

I think I should isolate
Until I can deactivate
My broken systems.

You have provided for me
In the wilderness plains;
Your provisions are good.
I carry with me an inert pain
Disconnected, but embedded.
I tried to fix what’s wrong
But it’s too big for me;
I am not strong.

I can’t even protect my song.
I think I’ve been in it too long.

Please, remember my efforts,
Not my failures.

My judgements may be unjust-
May remain unjust until
I stop seeking my own,
And commit solely to Your will.

Give me vision and conviction.

I work as hard as I can
But when I am done
I leave cement and plastic behind
Walking slowly into the sun
I stop to see flowers,
Fields cover-cropped in clover
I talk to the clouds
But my walk isn’t over
Until I make it to the cages
Where the little chicks are hatched
I watch them eat, and nestle,
Nap, and scratch,

I came this far
Only to come this close.
I listen to the tiny peeps;
My heart already knows

This window is also closed.

All this way, for what?
No one cares.

You keep reminding me to love,
To be kind, not to define man
Where I have no jurisdiction,
And I will do what I can

But God,

Be kind to me.
The wait is long.
The people were treacherous.
The disappointments throng

And seem cemented.

No one cared,
Now I’m not sure I do either.
I took my way
When we were dating
He spoke Your name
Looked close enough
But didn’t really obey
In the ways he didn’t want to
I knew it was common to man
So I hoped

I wouldn’t pay the consequence of sin.

Your Sin Will Find You.
Always.

We began by doing it our way
And rendering You lip service
Asking You to bless
Our presumption
And the meager ante
The gesture
We gave You instead of obedience
Instead of laying down our desires
And seeking You first

I’ve payed for it since.

No one should care.

What would caring look like?
Like You holding me back
From the final death
By betrayal?

I suppose, like Your men
Your earthbound friends,
I expected an earthbound answer
To an eternal, spiritual question.

Deferred Hope
There’s nowhere to turn
Ever in this life
But left or right
Farther into You
Or into destruction.

I read Your promises
And I couldn’t imagine
That kind of joy
Worth it all

But my time frame was off.
I was thinking
As one stride follows another,
As a pendulum swings
In turn
I have to alter my hope
Adjust my scope
Survive and search
The skyline

For the final resolution
Learn
To suffer in silence
Like a lamb before slaughter
Who is so very quiet.

Try to look like You
To the people who tear You apart
And rejoice
To share in Your sufferings

Which I can do
When I truly believe
I’m sharing with You.

The pain and betrayal,
The cold indifference of onlookers
The sustained injustice
Mockery and derision
From the very people
In charge of putting it right

Put me wrong.

But that was Your cross
Where You bore their sin
As they wrote it
In the carnal delights
Of Your misery.

You forgave them in it;
Help me look like You
To the ones who tear You apart

Forgive me
When I know not what I do.
Help me bear up

Until I cross over to rest in You,
Then remember me
When I wash up on the shore
Of Your kingdom
My Tender King.

I believe You still.