viewingcamelot

I allow,
I have always allowed
The worst to have its say.
I’ve wrapped my face with a shroud
Of lies.

I have believed
Every bad thing the enemy said
Through any willing mouthpiece
I have beaten myself, run, hid,
Quit- all because of shadow puppets.

I don’t know
What the truth of me is
But I’ll throw out the highs and lows
Whatever is left, is His-
Whatever I am, I am God’s.

I trust
If I have life left ahead
Or if I don’t, because truth must out
Whether I am alive or dead,
He can teach me who I am.

He might be
The only one on the planet

Who sees me.

I believe You hovered over the waters.

I believe You are I AM.
You speak and it is.
The Word Omnipotent.

I believe You knew,
And You knelt in the dust
And formed us anyway
In love.

I believe we had one tree,
One rule, one opportunity
To obey or disobey

In the middle of relational paradise.

I believe You answered Job
Out of a whirlwind.

I believe You taught Noah
How to build an ark in the desert.
You broke open the canopies.
You felt grief at the evil in man.

I believe You called Abraham,
Isaac, and Jacob

You walked with them,
And wrestled with them,
To make them Yours.

I believe You delivered Joseph,
And delivered many through him.

I believe You rescued Moses,
And rescued many through him.

I believe You smote Egypt
To be known by Egypt,
You parted the great waters
To deliver the humble
And to punish the proud.

You buried Moses,
You Yourself,
In an unknown grave.

You met Gideon in the winepress.
You heard Jonah from a fish belly,
And convicted him with a worm.
You heard Hannah
And caused Samuel to hear You.
You held Saul accountable,
And walked with David in grace,

You honored Bathsheeba by Solomon.

You split the kingdom
To render justice,
But you tarried with them
Unto restoration

You led them at home.
When they didn’t listen,
You led them in exile,
But You always sought them,
Spoke to them,

As Your possession.

You called Cyrus
An eagle from Persia
To be Your instrument

To restore Your people.

You wrote Rahab and Ruth
Into Your DNA.

God Infinite-
You became flesh.
Life Eternal-
You experienced death:
Messy, excruciating, alienating.

The Word Incarnate.
You walked with man
As You’ve always done
But in the humility of a body
You broke bread.
You shared wine.
Blinkless God
Slept.

You felt the constant company
Of deceitful betrayal.

You loved,
And having loved,
Loved to the end.

You made a way
Where there was no way
For us to be whole in Your sight,
For grief to give way to joy.
It is finished.

You are finishing it up,
Summing all things up in Yourself,
Collecting Your remaining treasures,

So we may live
And breathe and move
And have our being
In the light of Your radiance
Forever loved and near to You

For all eternity onward.

I believe You.
I believe it all.

And the devil may trick me,
And evil may abuse me,
And I may doubt me,
And I may waste me,

But You cannot be other,
Or less,
Than all You are.

You are All in All:
God Most Beautiful,
Most Holy,
Most Wise,
Most Wonderful,
Most Kind:

God Most High.

I believe You,
Because You are the highest Truth.

Everything else
Is polluted by lies,

But You shine
Pure Light,
Pure Life,
Pure Love.

I believe You.
I believe it all.

And I’m so glad You Are.

My mother is alone
Near the end
Without resources,
Without help, or friends,

Would You save her
From the consequences
Of the choices she can’t remember?

It’s unjust on the face,
But in love, it’s grace.

My husband said
She was right about me,
I’ll end up alone like her,
It’s hard not to doubt me

Would You save me
From the consequences
Of the choices I can’t remember?

I repeated every mistake
But Your love is the only thing at stake:

And I am convinced
That neither death nor life,
Neither angels nor demons,
Neither the present nor the future,
Nor any powers,
Neither height nor depth,
Nor anything else in all creation,
Will be able to separate us
From the love of God
that is in
Christ Jesus our Lord.

I believe You.
Would You show me a preview?

I have to believe You can make a way.

The sun breaks.
I didn’t sleep.
They all seem so cruel.
If You didn’t keep

Reminding me
I would forget

That You love me.

This place feels
Like my punishment.
I crafted the choice
And the regret

Is impossible
To escape from

Deliver me.

Everything is in constant risk,
And all my friends
Became my worst enemies
If this is how it ends

Take me graciously,
Quietly,

Whatever You will do,
Do quickly.

And don’t let my enemies watch.

But in the waning light,
The weeping faith,
The broken knees,
The forgotten love,
With all that’s left of me-
With nothing held back:

I still believe You.
I still believe it all.

It’s time to exhume the gypsy.
She knows the roads
The tangled junctions, wooded passes,
How the river flows
When to hide, and when to run;
She could time the leap
That I will not take.
She refuses what I keep.

She is my dark twin,
And in her veins
Our dark blood courses-
Only I know her name

And I will never speak it.
Her name aloud

Pierces like a curse.

It’s notable, unusual,
I’ve been developing
An internal sense
Of the Patriarch, the Pirate King:

An impression of a hard man,
Teeth gritted in intransigence
Proud to stand on his quarterdeck
In impunity and impenitence.

I do not know the man,
But in a desert land
I would be reluctant to accept
A glass of water from his hand.

I believe You.
I don’t recognize myself anymore
I am the waterlogged thing
Washed up on the shore

But You are still at work in me.

I don’t feel very good
But I know Your love flows
In healing waters
And You know

Where I am, what I am,

Please don’t leave me
To perish in my sin.
Help me care for my brood again.

I’m struggling to understand
If I’ve ever been other than
A pathetic thing.

But Your promise stands,
And I drink my fate
From Your tender hands.

God who shook Egypt
You gave Your word
Recompense and reward

Approach.

Remember Your grace covering me.

I think I lied.

I said I loved
But I live in fear.
You’re still the King of Kings;
Stay near.

I don’t trust anyone,

Not since the butchers
Cut me apart
But I was too quick
To offer them my heart.

At the first

I tried to get help.
I deeply regret it.
I grieve, I want to leave
So I can forget it.

But I’m leaving with a lion

Who may at any moment
Eat me alive
End my stay, end my story,
End my strive.

And get away with it.

I can’t leave my children alone,
But You told me years ago
You are their father, the kind
Who will never let go.

Please protect them.

They didn’t choose us.
They didn’t choose this.

I didn’t mean to.

I have forgotten how to sing
Because I don’t breathe deeply anymore.
I am braced for the thing
Behind the next door

Always scraping,

But I don’t want the people here,
Who lie to themselves all day
To have the satisfaction.
I want to go away

So they don’t get to watch.

My heart is so shattered.
Thank you for those last days
When I got to be myself again.
I was free to bake, to sing, to play,

One last time.
Even if it was in a lion’s den.

There are lessons I’ve learned
Growing up in the unstable:
The most important cards
Never go on the table.
You must be ready at all times
To negotiate, bluff, or trash-talk,
But mostly to abandon your chips
For an opportunity to walk
When the door opens,
But know what your opponent’s got.
Win or lose,
Some will find you in the parking lot.
Watch for tells,
With hands steady and still,
To see whether they’re playing for the pot
Or for the kill.
Assume everyone playing a hand
Is part of a stable,
Has a card up their sleeve,
And a gun under the table.

Be ready to blend into a crowd.
Get quiet when they get loud.
Make yourself valuable enough to keep
But not to prize. Don’t sleep.

Never close your eyes.

And if in doubt,
Don’t eat or drink anything they hand out.

There are threats
That walk about in daylight
Breathing, scheming,
Never taking flight

Because they are never pursued.

They roam and hunt,
But they are not overtaken
They operate by appetite
Their confidence unshaken

Within the bounds of human laws

Or else hidden in shadows
Taking by tooth and morsel
What cannot be proven
All cruelty a rehearsal

For darker desires

Impeded by a taste for liberty
If Consequence took a day
Paralyzed or suspended
Rage would have its prey

Without empathy or remorse.

Maybe not immediately.
At first it might keep its cover
To enjoy its reflection
The mirage of being other

Than a void of soul.

We all walk together,
And we wait on them-
Today is their day.
We suffer their whims

We bleed to keep the peace

So they can sate their thirst
Within the confines
Of plausible deniability.
But the are no boundary lines

When we share worlds.

There is only vulnerability
And constant exposure.
You learn ground viewing
And to keep composure

When the wind changes.

Wait. Watch. Pray.
There’s no sense
Flailing in the spider’s web
Your only defense

Is to hope for a storm

To tear the doors
Off your silk prison
To wash the spider out
Into a collison

With something honorable
If you can find it.

Evil is everywhere.

We only catch a few.
God catches them all.