Their Wellness

Show me how
To go back to the table.
I live in these shadows
And my hope is unstable
I long to be myself again.
I write drunken verse
Because I cannot be honest sober
Because it’s worse
To feel the sticks against
Your exposed vulnerabilities
Than to pretend you don’t feel
Anything but utility.
Why couldn’t they allow me?
I just wanted a chance
To build something stable
Something to withstand
The next earthquake.
Why wasn’t there anything in me
Worth saving?
Worth protecting

For just long enough

For me to stand
On my own two feet

They won. I’m gone.
I live in the defeat
And I wait with dread
For whatever comes next instead.


Inside the Tuxedo

He is maintaining
With admirable consistency,
Shrouding himself
In mundane, innocuous mystery
But he grows antsy in clutch,
And I feel the potential energy
Revving inside the engine,
While disconnected from activity
Aside from covert strafing
From sideways positions
Keeping up appearances
Avoiding transitions
That could further expose
His bloodlust, but his hatred grows
And where this ends

Neither of us knows.


Solus Carmen

It’s only in Your care
I find any rest
And when I pound my fists
It’s just against Your chest.
There is no One like You,
Sovereign Most-High,
Long-suffering without end
You committed to die
And still wait for Your recompense;
You still wait for Your reward
Which You believe, unwavering,
Because You know who is Lord.
You know Who You Are.
Let every atom reverberate:
Let them vibrate in exultation
Until all creation is a song that resonates
The frequency of praise,
Ceaseless and deep:
May it be a lullaby
To the God who never sleeps.
Most Beautiful One,
From whom all beauty is grown,
Whose cellular residue
Is the greatest beauty I’ve ever known
Let Your tender kindness grow like vines and roots,
Your compassion spread and rise like leaven,
Until Your kingdom come; Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
Oh Timeless Caretaker
Break up the soil that’s hardened
Shine on us in Your radiance:
Tend to Your wild garden,
Weave through us Your work
As only You can do,
Because all that is, all that can be,
Is entirely dependent on You.

Fix Your love on Your possession
So that we may know
Because You alone are love,
And Your countenance is grace bestowed.


Sola Dolor

Is there no balm in Gilead?
Is there no comforter here?
I have spent a lifetime
In a tide of tears
And my only joys
Aside from You
Were spun on webs;
They weren’t true.
They were designed to trap me
And drain it all.
Have these weapons prospered?
Hear my call!

Why is the health
Of Your daughter
Not restored?

What are all these tears for?


The Endless Wound

I miss the tenderness
Of my children in arm
Cradled and cooing
Soothing their alarm
With song and kiss.

I have been bereaved
Of my motherhood
While they live
Please see all I’ve withstood;
I am greatly aggrieved.


Enticing, but Ultimately Dissatisfying

How should I put this right?
By giving everyone a pound of flesh?
Everyone wants a bite
Of whatever is left.

I could break free
By tearing asunder
The design of me,
But it becomes empty plunder.

No one has ever loved me;
No one has put my good first.
And their apathy has shoved me
Into the hands of the absolute worst.

I know I carry all the blame as well,
But this hell

Was never my intention.

I woke up here alone.


Sexistentialism

I must be so hard to love.
So many people just figure it out
Push past the insufficiencies,
The blemishes and doubts,
And forge something sacred
In the intimacies and silence
But I’ve lived in isolation
With men of violence
And no one will stay
But those who ensure
I will pay for their presence;
If they must endure,
I must accommodate.
I must recompense.
I have lost all my hope,
All that I sensed
Was good and worthwhile.
These vile creatures trick
And abscond with my soul
I am sick
With longing to be whole and cared for
Beyond exploitation
The only men stronger than I am
Don’t respond to invocation.

And men are no longer the sort
To stand for the weak,
To state the cause of the one
Who cannot speak.

Men would prefer to amuse themselves,
To find some pleasant diversion
From their God-given roles
To defend against aspersions
And subjugations.
Manhood is lost
But the ones who really eat that cost

Are the women and children.


Noah, Jonah, and Myself

If I asked Noah
If rain makes the flowers grow
With the bodies of his neighbors,
Of the human race, still afloat
Would he wax poetical?
Would he grieve, or scream,
Or curl up under the monotony
Of the constant streams
In a mixture of confused gratitude
And fetal defeat?
Was his faith and vindication
Enough to make the rain taste sweet?
So many placed inside,
In his care, to tend-
Buffeted and isolated from without,
Limited and exhausted within-
Trapped in an ark,
The only way to stay alive,
Is no place to raise a family,
No place to build a life.

But later, when the floods receded
And the land turned green again
Lush with fertility, and safe
From the violence of godless men
Did the water wash away
The curses and the spilled blood?
Were the bones ever exhumed
From their graves of mud?
If I asked Noah then,
With his grandchildren at play
Around his feet, plenty to eat,
Plenty of room to splay,
No more mockery and injury,
No more toiling with hardened hearts
Nor tarrying in hope
With the very ones who tore him apart
But family existing in unity,
Lifting voices in praise and feast
To multiply and cultivate
In abundance and peace

If the death the rain delivered,
And the life that erupted in its wake
Was worth the years of struggle:
The work, the loneliness, the heartbreak;

Would he respond with a low, breathy chuckle?


Wellness

It was just a job,
Just some gainful employment,
But I fled to them for safety
They didn’t extend

And it broke me.

They held out the dream
Of a real life
They never intended to give
But as long as I held on,

It was all piñata sticks.

Now I live in the rubble
Of their cold hearts
And false words
Unable to stand again

On these broken legs.

The admission price
Was the same as his:
Take whatever I’m given
In fist and fury

In gratitude for the opportunity
To be beaten low
By such worthy fists.


Past the Breakers Again

I have been at the end of this life
Since my first breath
Yet You continue my stay
You postpone my death
While I crumble
Under the weight of pain
Moments out of context
Your kindness regains
The pulse of Your intention
Make me Your possession
You are the only
Worthy obsession.
I love the wild ones;
The ones on the outskirts:
The ones who belong to You
But cannot resist to flirt
With the unknown
With the cosmic gray
Into which the unexpected blends
We are what You say
We are and will be
By Your fiat
You keep us or we perish

Because You are more than assumption;
You have form, but aren’t formulaic.