So many jobs lined in queue,
But just outside my window frame
I hear my little children squeal
Delighted laughter at a game
They are creating for this moment
In the culmination of now and here.
Tomorrow the game is dissolved away
Today is the day to hold it dear,
And I am so thankful to hear,
To have these moments to draw near
While childhood is still composing.
If chapters never ended,
And covers never closed,
If the ones who filled your hours
Were the souls alone you chose,
And no one owned each other,
You eagerly filled the day
Sharing the exuberance of children
In the purity of play
If vitality held stay amongst the stars,
And we had all the world and time
To sway together against the storms,
We’d forgive each other all our crimes
So as not to lose an eternity
Of our hand clasped in the other’s
We’d love in innocent passion
Like two strangers meeting as brothers.
We’d write each other poetry
To adore our nobler traits.
We’d love without suspicion,
In fidelity that will not abdicate.
We would defend each other
Like children in a garden
Where the threat is not the predator,
But the heart that must not harden.
I love them all this way,
Like a child who cannot understand
The demands adults will bring,
The castles made of sand
People buy with all their hours,
So there’s none left to play within,
Or why no one’s left to play with me
When they all forsake the garden
To walk amid the men.
I sit outside, alone, under the stars
Writing poetry of all the beautiful things
I think they all are,
Or will be when they get their wings.
Now that I’ve expressed
What the woman struggles to keep
What trips and traps, the slope
That slips, the downward steep-
In the relief of words spilled
I have again found
Renewed reminders:
I am duty-bound.
My children laugh in the other room
While I cook and clean and listen.
I have been given gifts in each of them,
And in the God who loves in all conditions.
I must focus where I’m needed,
Not where I feel need.
Long past
Were these days present?
Some faint nostalgia calls
Like the black keys
The progression of fingerfalls
Dancing through the misery
And I was before language
When the notes played a masterpiece
Swirling through ivories and time
Did it transport me
To these days? To some beauty
That must still search out my soul?
It’s a corridor with two open doors
I felt forward; I now see back through
I hear the piano recollecting
Tenderly, as a primrose blooms,
How it sang years to me
While mine were still new
I have vague impressions
In smokey-ocean grays and blues
Of feeling these happenings approaching
Before one of them came true
Not in detailed view,
But as a series of emotional collisions.
But if, as a child, I could feel,
If, through the notes, I could see
Why did I always believe
A great Love was ahead of me?
Could I feel straight through to eternity?
Is that why I still feel Love is nearer to me?
Even closer than I think?
The Great Love Who calls and grants vision,
Who tells you what He is doing
Long before it appears,
Who describes His works
Before they draw near,
Who announces Himself,
Who blinds kings,
But gives children and paupers
The privilege to see.
Through my years
I have sustained
Many acts of violence
The intense strain
By taking a knee
Absorbing the pain
Standing, taking step by step,
Until momentum changed
Memory and ache.
But this won’t stop hurting.
My children feel the weight
I watch them move differently
Unaware they now compensate
For the thing that changed all things.
The grief infiltrates
And I can’t mend what’s torn
I can’t take
Many more of these days
And nothing can make it better
If You don’t redeem it.
My children are all sick.
The house is a mess.
My marriage is comfortably empty.
My boss seemed upset.
I don’t speak the same language
As the ones who wear Your name.
I’ve been alone so long,
It’s all I know, how I must remain:
We sing songs of You
As the Rescuer, the Restorer,
And I am grateful You do.
I’m ashamed to ask, is there more, or…
Or do I take small bites of today’s
Daily Bread
And remember the real Bread of Life
Is best enjoyed after I’m dead?
It’s all grace either way
And I am grateful for today,
But I’ve fallen on hard times.
A morning of cuddles,
And coffee, and children’s giggles
Budgeting to make sure
There’s room to wiggle
And still stay here
The most beautiful place
I have ever known:
My children’s security and laughter.
After they have grown
My life will have been complete
Because I got to see
The mystery and wonder
Of each blooming.
And I am blessed in this space.
I throw tantrums.
I break things with my words.
I ask questions
In all the most absurd
Ways: statements, accusations,
I yearn for them to be denied
By what is.
I lay hope aside
But watch to see if she moves,
It’s she’s still alive.
She never gives up,
But she’s failed to thrive.
I want to be loved,
But it seems an impossible task.
I want peace, joy, hope,
But it is so much to ask.
And this world paints
Its fingerprints on my arms
On even the best of days
I run from paradise at any harm
And there’s always harm.
But I’m tired of being afraid.
I’m tired of being alone;
I’m tired of running away.
The worst beatings I got
Came from staying too long,
Not running fast enough
Not changing the song.
I try to be safe for people
Who are not dangerous
I felt being safe for them
Was my main purpose
But we’re all dangerous.
Even the best people can
Kick at the fences
To see if they’ll stand.
I hate violence.
It’s the song on repeat
Breaking up better refrains
But I can’t make another retreat.
I say a lot of terrible things,
But I want You to speak over me.
I want You to contradict
The curses I’ve lived and seen
With the promises You have whispered
Into my DNA.
I’m worried if I stay
I’ll stand alone under the fist of fate
That has always looked for a way
To crush me, to sate
A blade with my blood.
I’m tired of bleeding
I’m tired of running
I just want somewhere safe
For my children to play
And grow
Someplace healthy.
I’m about out of fuel,
But You don’t retreat, You don’t lose,
Even when You die alone by violence
I want to look like You, so I choose
To stand, to face the thing
That hates my face.
Stand in front of me.
I know heaven is not on this earth
Help me fulfill the purpose
You had for my birth.
If it’s my last beating,
Give me the energy to stand.
I’m so tired.
Today was serene;
Simple foods and children’s laughter
While we played board games
A long walk after
Then cheeseburgers and fries.
And he and I
Weathered storms to get here
We laugh with our littles
Knowing the moment is dear
And the past is clean.
All my life
I’ve longed for home, for family,
To be loved,
For whatever I am truly
But this place has changed me.
I don’t ask anymore;
I don’t seek or desire
That kind of connection
All the world are liars
What could it ever mean?
What matters now
All that can
Is giving my precious children
Their best possible chance
To fly away securely
Prepared to land.
viewingcamelot 