Tag Archives: testimony

Implausible Deniability

All my life I’ve heard
Who I ought to be,
What I must deserve,
And how I should believe

And believe, I do
From the core of who I am
Whatever facets I eschew
Change not the slightest gram

Of the rock that won’t erode,
And the hand that can’t release-
I know that I know that I know;
I believe what I believe.

Then why don’t I conform?
This I cannot say.
The world, to me, feels worn-
And an infantile display

Of youthful promenading
Feathers flaunting wide
Perpetual self-serenading:
A ballad of blinded pride.

I don’t have the energy,
Nor the desire,
To bow to pop-liturgy
Or lift myself higher-

All my oddities abound,
I see they keep me alone.
I wander the hard ground
Ever out of home-

Even these I speak of plainly
I do not dream as accusation
The lone state that pains me
Is of my own creation

Unwilling, or else unable,
To put aside where I am bent-
I don’t fit into the label-
Does that mean I can’t be sent?

Yet in my diminished condition-
Here am I.
Beyond trend or tradition,
I ever testify.

It all boils down to these:
I am, I exist as I, and I believe.
Whatever else they may say of me
Cannot negate these three.


Jealousy

She was so thin,
Bones and stories
And jokes.

She survived my world,
My weighty horrors,
So thin.

Everyone laughed when she wanted them to,
Fell silent when silence was due,
And I thought

Her frail bones made her seem so pitiable,
Some little bird who needed nestling,
And a worm or two.

I sat on my haunches, my stout paunch
Introducing me,
And I look so hearty,

I look so durable in this new flesh
I’ve worn for a decade
Covering my frail bones.

She was so cool, making soda pop jokes
Over the scenes of rape,
And starvation.

She ate nothing, but her entourage
Ate every single word, every inflection,
From her birdlike hands.

I ate them too, but couldn’t swallow
All the jokes, the laughter
Spliced into my horrors.

She laughed delicate swirls,
Fleeting and dissolving
Like thin snowflakes.

So thin.

I eat comfort, answers, procrastination,
And store them on
My hollow bones.