Endure suffering as discipline:
God is dealing with you as sons.
Hebrews 12:7

I have tasted suffering
Meted out, blow by blow,
Throngs of pains and pangs
And I know that I know

I am stronger for it.

I grew closer to Him
In what suffering I endured,
Growing inside His care,
Battered, yet secure

In His sufficiency.

He entrusted me with something
Beyond my scope
I need Him to sustain
Beyond silence or trope

In power and truth.

Falling fearful, I groveled,
I sniveled, I winced
Concerned the difficulty
Was merely recompense

For zigging if I should zag.

I forgot some key truths:
Discipline isn’t merely correction,
Punishment, or retribution-
It’s also difficult, loving direction

Equipping for the future.

And most importantly I forgot,
More than what I do,
More than what I accomplish, or fail,
More than what I put Him through-

Jesus loves me

Father of lights,
Most Holy One, adored
Fairest of the fair,
Keeper of the stores
Of all time and breath and flesh

Praise You.

Deep enough into me
To see the resentment I buried,
To exhume the lightness of forgiveness,
And You graciously carried me
Back out to freedom.

Thank you.

Hard at work on future hope
And talking all the time
To Your wandering, lost sheep
As they pass by
Commending the work.

Be exalted.

I spent a day, fasting, painting,
Singing in bursts of laughter
Some spark of who I’ve always been
Sloughs off who I became after
Simplicity in abstaining
Simplicity in my motions
Refresh the joy and simplicity
Folded into my devotion.

“Growth creates complexity,
which requires simplicity.”
– Andy Stanley

You reached out for me,
In a field of blood, alone,
And I struggle to understand
The concept of forever home
Dressed in finery I don’t deserve,
The enemy whispers, and I believe
Your love has never made sense,
So it’s easy to doubt or be deceived-

But it’s not about me.

Your love reflects on You,
The unbreakable purpose of Your will,
The oceans of Your kindness
And dry shores on which You spill
Grace on every blindness
Indefatigable, You fill

Broken, empty vessels
Because they’re Yours as You decide
Such am I.

The thought struck once, unrhymed,
Like chimes in an ancient clock
Tall and winding time
Around the barrel stock
Grinding down these crimes
Echoing aftershocks

I speak; I flinch; I cower
Waiting, pulling my lame limbs
Like heavy bags of flour
Time and again,
For fleeing rest and failing power
Accent whispers of my sin

Where I fail, what I am-
Grotesques! Skewed representations-
He delights to liken me to Him
Despite deep complications
An enemy wages battle grim,
Spitting salted accusations-

And I must not listen.

Three days for Jonah
Digressed, digesting, digested,
He remembered You, and
Pursued what You requested

Room left to grow,
But also the opportunity
Even past the cocoon,
And isolated from his community.

Three days fasting
And sunlight breaks through
I remember who I’ve been,
Who I ever am in You

And the sorrow wrings tears.
The answers are still unclear-
But none of that matters
When I can feel You near.

Three days in the tomb,
A room You had no business inhabiting,
Except we are Your business
Even in anxious battling

You deliver me.
You defeated death and insurrection
By being who You are:
The Life and Resurrection.

I feel overwhelmed
And my familiar alone.
The weight bears down,
Under which I groan

Unheard and unknown.

It’s time to smile,
To cook, to play;
It’s time to give
My kids their day,

Swallowing what I cannot say.

Endless tasks in every column,
Resistance from every side,
Pushing my way through
The brutal riptide

So I can know I tried.

Shhh…

I cannot get there from here.
I cannot fix what’s broken.
I cannot attain to You;
I fight to maintain You’ve spoken,

And these things are not just tokens
Of my failure.

You spoke over me
When I was yet Your enemy,
Before I could see,
And I believe.

Your sacrifice is deep:
Invulnerability to bleed,
Life to taste death, to keep
Even Your lost and wandering sheep

May I never blaspheme!
You are ever supreme,
Worthy beyond highest esteem:
You speak and I am redeemed.

I believe You-
Beyond what I am, through
Every age past- imbued
With Your promises true
And good

And I believe You,
And I repent,

And I surrender
Come what may!

I’m so sorry-
Like Jonah on the hill
I only submitted to see them killed
I waited for You to defend-
No, to choose me over them,
And in the worst of the violence,
And in Your displeased silence,
My heart accused the Almighty
Subtly, unsettling and unsightly,
I accused You of utilitarian favor,
Or at my worst, of being a slaver;
Even You, who sets the captive free:
Forgive me! Forgive me

The jagged case I’ve defended,
The complaints I’ve extended
Like a bitter shard- sharp, twisted,
Squeezed and shaken in a bleeding fist
At them, at me, and also at You.
I didn’t want the truth;
I wanted compensation.
Forgive me this degradation.
I wasted it all.
Your kindness- Your call-
I orchestrated my impotence
And undermined my inheritance:
I am so sorry.