Forgive me
There’s an element of reciprocity
After the intentionality
Of my migration to this city

I pushed forward
Through the dense matter of fate,
And it pushed back
With equal force and weight

I purposed to end my earthly roam
I dug in my heels stubbornly
I looked to carve a home
From foreign scenery

I took a shovel and broke ground
The blowback broke me
It knocked me down
Hobbling my knees

If wishing and working could make it so
Perhaps I may have had a chance
To find my way back home
But I did violence to circumstance

And it returned the blow.

I remember, as a girl,
Watching Candleshoe
With my father; He cried.
I haven’t seen either since.

He’s dying.
I wish I could go
Back to that moment
And cry with him.

What I didn’t know yet
All I know now:
There is no one safe.
There is nowhere soft.

There are no guardians.
There are none who tend.
Only people who are hurting,
And the ones who hurt them.

My father swallowed himself.
My husband swallowed me.
The company drank up my love
Ruthlessly, remorselessly

Returning love with hate,
Refusing protection
Breaking my legs
When I most needed them.

And none of these
Were even about me.
I hide inside my own soul
Staring out at the passing days

Like a bus passenger watching out
At the scenery change
A bus that no longer stops;
There are no trusted stations.

My soul is a run-down cabin
That cannot protect from the elements.
In the inner room, I cup cold fingers
Around a small, flickering candle

The last remaining light of my faith
Battered and weak and alone
In the room, I keep silent vigil
To see if the light may outlive the night.

To mourn a thousand passings
To remember a tender thing
To grieve the innocence
Lost under the cold fist

Of arrogance and ambition,
Mercenary piracy,
Gnashing teeth and bony knuckles
The perpetual hunger for more.

The lost language
Of confession, repentance,
Sacrifice:
The core language of love.

I’ve been packing
All these happenings
And the people, too,
But slowly this time
So as not to run off in the night
Though I suppose a goodbye won’t do.

Once I embark
Leaving those stark
Yellow lines that tell no tales
Perhaps distance will heal much
Of the sharp edges time won’t touch:
Mementos of when all failed.

When the sun illuminates my absence
It’ll be like I never happened
They’ll go on as they’ve always gone
But I’m changed completely
They aired every corner of me:
I’m left behind, strewn on the lawn.

It’s hard in life, to do no harm.
At least they’re charmed
To skip conscience and confessions
They were very clear all along
They never did anything wrong,
They need no intercession

So I’ll leave them exactly as I found them
Because heaven knows,
Not everything that lives
Grows.

Last night, work was moving
At a fast clip,
And I was ahead, on top,
With room to spare
But I passed the engine room
With compressors humming there
Like a siren call
I was stalled and stepped
To the frame.
They were abuzz.
The brand name is the same.
I felt my friends beside me
In the world that almost was
Still echoing alongside my reality
Where I can, at times, peek and see
What I would have looked like
Happy.

Whatever I might say of me,
The me that I used to be,
I wanted safety.

HR disagreed.
She wanted me to leave.

It was her place to decide,
So I occasionally say goodbye
To the ghost of could’ve been.

Forgive me my sin
And bitterness.
How we hide our guilt
From our own eyes!
Forgive and cleanse
My Idolatry-
The lust, the flesh,
And the pride of life
I keep and feed
As a carnivorous pet.

Let there be peace
Between God and man.

Immanuel to ransom captive Israel:

God-with-us
Purchasing blood for blood
The Contends-with-God
As His priests of reconciliation.

I am Your bondservant
Direct my steps.

I always cut them from my map
All the places I’ve been.
I drive carefully
So I never end up there again
But every so often
Some corner I’ve cut
Cuts into me first.
Some unexpected turn juts
Into the landscape of my soul,
Etched forever in my rearview.
I can’t figure the exact moment
I fell in love with you
It took me til now
To realize it’s true.

Incompatibilities and impossibilities.
Folklore and fairytales.
How cruel it’s going to be
To carry you with me down my last trails

While you are off somewhere starting new ones.

It’s already you I weigh everyone against.
No one else is nice enough to let in.

What an unusual collision.

The thorn is still in the wound
So the pain stays acute,
But it’s a lie if my cries
Leave gratitude mute.
I am summarily thankful.
You’ve been generous in my need.
My praise derails because of details.
I feel shock as I bleed.

Don’t forget me.
Don’t let me forget Your faithfulness.

If only I could see this thing from Your vantage point.

Something about this place
Urges me to stay
But how do I move on
If I don’t move away?
I see it isn’t their fault
And what’s wrong with me

Will always be.

Watching in secret:
I see why they hid it.
I’m not mad anymore.
I understand why they did it,
They had their own lives,
Priorities and utilities,

And I was never their responsibility.

You said not to see it so,
But this place has been
Utterly humiliating
Remind me who I am again
Show yet more kindness
Like You have from the start

Will anyone be tender with my heart?
I think I should wall off that hope next.

Help me to deeply, truly forgive.
Give me the wisdom to live

This new future I must excavate

Alone.

On the back nine
With a stroke count so high
It’s gotta be beyond repair.
I worked hard to get here
Chopping the green out from under the ball
From the get go, I got it all

Wrong.

Trying to get to the end
I’m playing it where it lands,
But not for keeps, not to win
When there’s a club in my hands

I swing it.

Leaving this place
Is leaving behind much of me.
But what else may help
The woman I used to be

Love again

How foolish to still care.

Why voice it?
She shouldn’t even try
A life spent
In the do or die

Wasted like prodigal coins

A woman no one loved

I don’t deserve what I have
I don’t belong enough to stay
But they’ll be nothing left of me
When I finally go away

Whenever I leave this time
My heart stays behind.