As long as I keep seeing you at night,
In dream, how can this end?
You’re the only one who can take me back
To the river house, to Elbow Bend.
What anesthesia drapes over waking minds
That you walk faded in the day,
While in nightly visions, memory so acute
Restores those sparks of you that strayed.
Why can’t I expel you now?
In these morning-afters you are gone.
Why is it you won’t stay with me?
And why won’t you leave me alone?
My bones weren’t crushed
But broken all the same.
They’ve healed now, twice as strong
As their original frame,
And You knew they would.
How odd these scars
Dealt by devastating blows
Could bring a smile
Because now they show
How You healed them.
Your great big Love
Mends where it moves.
I have tasted, seen.
It always proves
You alone are God,
And I am Yours.
These things grow old inside of me.
The creeds I hold, they bring me life.
I know I can’t keep up the dance,
But can I end the strife?
I’ve been inside the freezing rain.
I’ve been the bride on burning coals,
But either way, grace on more grace
Has gone and saved my soul.
So I will stand ever taller
Knowing Who’s on high.
And I will praise ever louder
With my life.
I will run and not grow weary.
I will walk and not faint.
For the Voice that spoke creation
Calls me saint.
I’ve had no place to lay my head
And endless space for my each whim.
At times I’ve been hungry, but then
I never died in them.
I’ve cursed Your name and fled from You.
I’ve worn my shame as finest jewels.
But You sought me out, though I didn’t doubt
The wisdom of fools.
So help me stand ever taller
For You, who reigns on high.
Draw forth praise, ever louder,
From my life.
Feed my faith, calm my tempests
Raging on so wild.
For You authored all creation
And call me child.
You’re the king of every nation,
You judge every generation,
But You drank my condemnation
To call me child,
Beloved child.
Am I here again?
Will the peace descend
To reveal another war,
Another bloody shore?
Will I stand and fight,
Or hide from Your sight
Every secret You always knew?
Will I sing Your truth
Or burn my lies?
My smoke-filled skies
Cover the light of victory.
Will I find a bit of bravery
To announce Your deeds?
How many will bleed
For my cowardice?
Battle’s early mists
Can no longer thrill.
Even if I lose, even if I’m killed,
I cannot be destroyed
Or discarded to the void
To suffer any more.
I’ve fought here before,
And You raised my bones.
So I’ll stand for my only home,
The unseen kingdom.
I had another dream of you.
We spoke of life and theology.
You fell in the camp of, “Do.”
I stood on the side of, “Be.”
You disciplined your soul:
Remonstrance and restitution.
Diligent to a higher goal
Beyond our human constitution.
Selfless seeds of Saint
But your soil is sterile.
You cannot see it taints
Piety towards peril.
I wept for you, in dream,
Waves to water your seeds,
But our noble hearts still teem
With the sordid side of deeds.
I want to lie down,
Let waves of years wash over me.
Days ebb and flow, I drown
In the numbness and oddity
Of time wasted and hoarded.
This simple test, this vapor,
Passes so slowly by my broken watch.
Even as these hours taper,
I find brand new chances to botch,
And throw away.
Can you hear my ticking heartbeats?
If you can’t, I am alone.
I curl up in defeat,
A heavy, dead stone,
Until you speak life to me again.
He said, “God’ll love you baby
Just be Holy like He is.”
But I’m only holey like a pair a jeans,
And these things are big-biz,
Formal attire.
I’ve worn the nice clothes,
Don’t get me wrong, nice yokes,
But grease stains and coffee grinds
Strain the eyes of cleaner folks,
Who look away.
He said, “God’ll love you baby,
Just walk that narrow line.”
But I’m lucky I can walk at all,
Lucky when I feel just fine
In the morning sun.
I’d walk it if I could, I swear,
But I don’t see so good sometimes.
I’m good at apologizing later,
Or forgiving other people’s crimes.
Shame that don’t count.
I said, “God, will you love me Baby,
When I clean up, someday I will, I swear.”
He walked with me through littered streets.
He said, “I love you now, baby, I’m here
Because I’m holy enough for two.
I brought an eternity.
Can I spend it with you?”
Did I forget
Who owned the words?
Did I let emotions
Paint reason into absurd?
Did I forget
Whose story I tell?
Did I let fear
Take over and quell
The gift of resolve?
–
These scars are heavy
When no longer hidden.
I may not be ready,
But I feel I’m driven.
Is that enough to stand,
To persevere though pained?
Would You force this hand
So unsure, so untrained,
To trace the words You choose?
All I am, all I’ve been,
Belongs solely to You,
My timeless love, my ageless friend.
You came again, in dreams,
No sense of time or propriety.
These years, they fall between,
And some are crouched inside of me.
You speak to me in tones
Of intimacy, filial familiarity.
In visions you are home,
My singular expression of family.
We walk the sandy banks
Open speech, laughter free,
No unknowns, and this outranks
The gaps in our proximity.
We stay so close. I do not run
Or hide what I feared you might see.
Our reunion cannot be outdone
By any other urgency.
I bask in you, your strength,
And need no other society
Than your eyes devouring mine at length,
Sparkling with jocularity.
I try to stare, eyes open wide.
You’re washed out with a wave of anxiety.
Pain recedes into the great divide
That drowns our commonalities.
We are one with our formalities,
But your visits are more cruel than silence.
I craft my words as fallen flowers,
Pressed and dried, tucked neatly away.
While you hurled yours, a sharpened shower,
The archer’s ever proud display.
And your pointed words, with eloquence,
Pierced many standing in their path.
Yet you noticed none that fell, nor since
Have let the toll abate your wrath.
I hide my words, not because I bleed,
Nor due to spite, but knowing this:
Though some flowers are just common weeds,
My other blooms are poisonous.
And with all your verbal weaponry,
You have no shield from such as these.
viewingcamelot 