I’m a magician.
I pull white rabbits
Out of hats, and pure doves
Out of my jacket,
So no one happens
To notice

I’m the lady sawn in half.

I don’t know what I’m for,
How to live, what to do
I know in the open, I’ll never be safe
But You place lampstands out in view.
Everyone You loved
Caused someone to hate You.

I know what their hands feel like
They’re the only hands I’ve known
I don’t want them to ever touch me again
But this is how I’ve grown:
Too broken for decent company;
Too weak to stand alone

And there are no protectors
For girls like me.

What do I do?
What am I able?

I am hiding right now
From them both.

I have real enemies here
In a way I haven’t in so long
And they hunt me.
What’s in their heart feels wrong

And this is when I’ve learned to run:
After they start prowling,
Before they catch me in a corner.

I have sustained so much,
And I feel barely intact.
I don’t have the energy to rebuild again;
I have right now to react.

I can still run

Somewhere my exposure will be limited
To inside my own walls
But a voice whispers, echoes,
Some gentle call,

“Shh… don’t go this time…
That is most dangerous of all. “

I think You told me to stay this time.
But my instinct to run is so strong.
It’s always kept me safe, but now
I can feel the instinct here is wrong.
It isolates me, elevates the risks
That I know I will not see coming.
But regardless of whether it’s smart or not,
I don’t think You want me running.
And the only thing so bad about this place
Is the pain of my initial company,
Which hurts because I hurt, I loved,
And they mocked me so conceitedly,

But You vindicate.
None of that belongs to me.

Before I even understood
I said this ship belongs to You,
I still mean every word.
Somehow You will get me through.
My trust, the delicate system, is shattered,
Only You can rebuild a rose.
He betrayed, and they surveyed,
But You know of all of those.

I fell through half the nation, pulled
Into this place like gravity
And this tiny town expanded
Into an entire galaxy
Stretching beyond my senses
Impossible to leave,
But it’s only my overactive self-defense
And my heartbreak from the company
That hits my knee-jerk impulse

To flee.

I’ve made my peace with it

The straining, striving,
Late-night driving, early morning hours
Of toil and turmoil

Fighting to love stone statues
Turned inside-out, trusting
The ones thrusting you through
From behind, turning you
Inside-out too.

Fighting to avoid becoming
Everything it turns out
You always were.

Forgetting to remember,
Remembering what you try to forget,
Forgetting whether you’re doing either right

Until all life becomes
Dingy strings in knots
Tied ’round every finger:
Lost causes.

I’ve made my peace with Jude,
With Rita of Cascia,
And they have found peace with me.

Every dark thing
Led me to see the Light.
I’m grateful for each day,
Because I survived the night.

Thy Will Be Done.

This dark cloud
I now struggle against,
This grief, is like a cemetery
In which I am fenced.

Thy Will Be Done.

I cannot see,
But I know You do.
I cannot trust me,
But I belong to You.

Thy Will Be Done.

Thy Perfect and Good Will.

How our hearts
Beat against the dark
Trapped in the cavernous core
Blind, restless, ceaseless, sore

But they beat against the night anyway
In defiance of reason.

A crushed spirit, who can bear?
This bitter gall
This hidden grief of all
I loved and from where I felt care

Now there are only jagged stones

Cold weight and death and absence

Who can bear, and for how long?

Not I.

Tell me there’s a way
Out of captivity.
Tell me some day
I will wake next to an ocean
I will feel the warmth of the sun
And the warmth of love
And some foreign ember
Whose countenance I can’t recall
But goes by a name
Like joy, I think.

“I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.” Psalm 27:13

I throw tantrums.
I break things with my words.
I ask questions
In all the most absurd
Ways: statements, accusations,
I yearn for them to be denied
By what is.
I lay hope aside
But watch to see if she moves,
It’s she’s still alive.
She never gives up,
But she’s failed to thrive.

I want to be loved,
But it seems an impossible task.
I want peace, joy, hope,
But it is so much to ask.
And this world paints
Its fingerprints on my arms
On even the best of days
I run from paradise at any harm
And there’s always harm.
But I’m tired of being afraid.
I’m tired of being alone;
I’m tired of running away.

The worst beatings I got
Came from staying too long,
Not running fast enough
Not changing the song.
I try to be safe for people
Who are not dangerous
I felt being safe for them
Was my main purpose
But we’re all dangerous.
Even the best people can
Kick at the fences
To see if they’ll stand.

I hate violence.
It’s the song on repeat
Breaking up better refrains
But I can’t make another retreat.
I say a lot of terrible things,
But I want You to speak over me.
I want You to contradict
The curses I’ve lived and seen
With the promises You have whispered
Into my DNA.

I’m worried if I stay
I’ll stand alone under the fist of fate
That has always looked for a way
To crush me, to sate

A blade with my blood.

I’m tired of bleeding
I’m tired of running
I just want somewhere safe
For my children to play

And grow
Someplace healthy.

I’m about out of fuel,
But You don’t retreat, You don’t lose,
Even when You die alone by violence
I want to look like You, so I choose

To stand, to face the thing
That hates my face.

Stand in front of me.
I know heaven is not on this earth
Help me fulfill the purpose
You had for my birth.

If it’s my last beating,
Give me the energy to stand.
I’m so tired.