Help me leave here
Empty-handed
Holding no resentment, nor regrets,
Leaving no part of myself stranded
In a land littered by the Ghosts
Of Almost, roving disbanded:
The Land of the Unresolved
Wherein no man
Can long stand

But leaving as-is
Carries a cost.

He put the world in order
While I was gathering
We weather tragedies
As we weave them
These aren’t the dreams
I meant to build
But I was born to the road
And only certain types
Travel the yellow lines
By necessity
Building a whole life
Folds like a fantasy
Into your bindle
Faded photographs
Of the lives you almost had,
Almost lived, almost loved
Until the wind changes
And you do too.
He means I’m never together
And I’m never alone
But I’ll always have help
Packing for the next leg
All the love I almost give,
All the home I almost build,
Belong to the bindle
To the faded photograph
Of who I might have been
But never have

Never could have.

Long I have wandered
The loveless spaces
Cold and jagged
Gashed soles and faceless
In the fog
I call out to You
Silently while wolves howl.
There is nothing new,
Not even the fears
I press into my chest
Your fold-worn words;
I love them best.
I huddle around them
My only warmth and hope,
My only foothold
On the icy slopes
My only friend
In the frozen wilderness,
In the hands of indifferent winters
My only touch of tenderness
Burned by the cold
Biting where I’m exposed
So long I have wandered
In search of repose,

Aching to find, to feel,
To fold myself against

A warm chest
Secure to rest
Your words in flesh
Cradling to mend and capable
Somehow capable

Of truly loving loveless me

Never letting go.

How dear to me
Are my little ones in arm
I wrap around them
To keep away all harm
I pull them close to me
Snuggled in my keep
To ward of the nightmares
That threaten their sleep.

God of Wonders, in secret
Moving through
The lost and oppressed
To pull them closer to You
Under powerful, arrogant noses,
Dry-souled and graceless,
Who cannot see what is,
What’s in front of their faces.
Who try to prevent Your victory
By compounding the weak ones’ cost
Yet Your majesty burns
Through the pain and loss
Giving new life to the dying:
Illuminating eternity.
What a mystery! Death is impotent.
Human urgency
Yields to divine omnipotence;
Life Eternal swallows fear,
As its radiant majesty
Draws nearer and nearer
And all that’s broken is restored,
And all that’s unwell is sound,
And all that’s wicked burns away,
And all that’s lost is found
And His people feel it now
Through the open door
On the other side of the room
True reality is so much more,
More in meaning, more real
Than our barter and trade,
Our battery and exploits-
This striving, grasping existence fades
As the oncoming glow of eternity
Grows in brightness and warmth
Some sister-realm entangled
But purer in substance and form

If the God of that Eternity is for us,
Who can be against us?

If we cannot avoid the approaching radiance,
What is there to fear here?

These weak and momentary struggles
Fall to the graveside;
Immense beauty blooms
Forever incorruptible, truly alive.

So close, we already sense it in the room with us.

I am innocent before my fellow man.
All the whispers, the grossly maligned,
The assumption and attack,
All they withheld, all they confined
To private company

That I was rightfully due,
I am learning to give that all to You.

They have been deeply dishonest,
To others, to themselves,
And I pray You expose it all
So they may repent and be well-
Trusting You to make amends:

I hope I am long gone by then.
I stand innocent before men;

You make me clean before You
Forgiving me for not loving In Kind,
For struggling to keep You first,
To keep Your benefits in mind
To let Your love cover their sin,

For being forgiven a great debt,
And forgetting to let

The whitewashed ledger continue to reign.
I was gripped by the pain,
And I am no longer the same,
But I pray You remain here

And transform them all

To Your glory, and their benefit.

I say the company
Taught me a few things,
Like how alone we all are,
Or to never again be trusting
But what they really did
Was reflect me to me:
In their handling, and my response,
I was forced to see
How deeply I attach, work for,
Admire, and even yearn
For those who withhold from me
The most basic concern.
I asked for common dignity;
They arrogantly, smugly pushed me away
They refused to listen, to confess, to care,
And I miss them anyway

What is there to miss,
But being mistreated?
And what’s wrong with me

That I do miss them.

Why do I love the people
Who cannot or will not love me?

I’m so broken.

Today was serene;
Simple foods and children’s laughter
While we played board games
A long walk after
Then cheeseburgers and fries.

And he and I
Weathered storms to get here
We laugh with our littles
Knowing the moment is dear
And the past is clean.

All my life
I’ve longed for home, for family,
To be loved,
For whatever I am truly

But this place has changed me.

I don’t ask anymore;
I don’t seek or desire
That kind of connection
All the world are liars

What could it ever mean?

What matters now
All that can
Is giving my precious children
Their best possible chance

To fly away securely

Prepared to land.

I don’t want him.
I don’t want anyone
Ever again;

Men are horrible.

They live for their desires.
They’ll watch children burn
As long as their own fires

Keep them warm and occupied.

I wish they all knew, intimately,
The desperation of deprivation,
Of dire isolation and need

But these are curses
Coming from the redeemed,
So I bite my tongue

Until it bleeds

Because God has blessed me,
And not cursed me.