I’m so grateful
For the incremental victories
That are concrete reminders
That You are with me,
But on the equal and opposite
Of each success
I stare into the void
Of grief and emptiness.

I’m done with calculations,
And I’m not blaming my husband again.
He gets life done
When I am crippled by my sin.
I can’t see a resolution
That doesn’t end in perpetual grief.
I can’t see a higher outcome
Than temporary relief.

Be the God of my wilderness.
Find a vantage point.

My children are all sick.
The house is a mess.
My marriage is comfortably empty.
My boss seemed upset.
I don’t speak the same language
As the ones who wear Your name.
I’ve been alone so long,
It’s all I know, how I must remain:

We sing songs of You
As the Rescuer, the Restorer,
And I am grateful You do.
I’m ashamed to ask, is there more, or…

Or do I take small bites of today’s
Daily Bread
And remember the real Bread of Life
Is best enjoyed after I’m dead?

It’s all grace either way
And I am grateful for today,

But I’ve fallen on hard times.

It used to be so loud.
I wanted terribly to believe
I could be truly loved
It’s a silent grieve

Now the dirt is laid
Over the casket.

I’ve never been clasped
Inside safe arms, where
I could press against a heart
That beat for my welfare.

No more arms, no surprises,
Just tending my brood
And saying goodbye.

You are a judge and advocate
For those who can’t find justice.
A provider for the widow,
A father to the fatherless-

Filling the gap
Men leave behind.

Is that why You have loved me
Intimately all my days?
Because You knew
It would be the only way

I could believe love exists.
Thank You
For not being broken.

It’s a different kind of fear.
When that which snarls and salivates
For your life, takes you gently in hand,
Speaks tenderly- Imitates
A safer species.

When in disarming tones,
Commending what may not be true,
Guile croons to damage,
Or even end you,
All inside a charming smile.

It’s a different fear, when underneath
Is the thing that screeches against the light.
He is just as trapped as I,
And that’s when biting creatures bite.