viewingcamelot

I’ve been doing the best I can,
I’ve tried so hard, for so long,
But it isn’t enough.
I am not strong.

I need You.
My children need You.

Where are You?

You promised.
Please. Gently, God.
I’m so tired.
I’m so sore.

There is no One like You.
How I abhor the company
Of the teeth that grind,
The leering, veering exultantly
Proud antipathy

To Your Eminence.

You are the One and Only
True King Eternal
Your power not bestowed,
Not validated by the external,
But radiates from Your internal

Glorious Being.

No man can wave a finger,
Nor raise a fist,
But that You allow in patience
What should not exist
Until the darkness is dismissed

And hubris feasts on dust.

Fearsome Holy God
Burning up the darkness
Like an inconsumable constellation
Like molten metal, in starkness
To the cold hearts in this

Rebellious, faithless place.

You could withdraw
Your presence, Your breath
And the wisest wither,
All that would be left
Is even less than

A shadow of death

But You tarry, for now,

Until the hour

No man may stay You.

If You will guard my little brood,
Keep them in Your perfect care,
Then there’s nothing else
I hoped for here
That is still ahead.

Thank You for the college bells,
And the Mississippi River.
Thank You for winding roads again,
And falling leaves, oh Tender Giver,
I am ready now.

Forgive the failures of my days
Try to remember what love I gave.
I am sorry I can’t surpass myself
I’m sorry for the words I should have saved,
The silence I should have kept.

I know this place was cruel to me,
But it felt like home still.
Thank You for letting me finish here
Thank You for the tenderness in Your will.

When the moment comes
To be at rest,
Bear me in arm
Cradled upon Your chest.

Please help me tend
My tender flock
Help me protect, provide,
Take stock
Of all they need to thrive
All they need to heal
Help me absorb
What they shouldn’t feel
Give them joy and health
A warmer, caring community
Give them gentleness, quiet strength,
A world of opportunities
If Your promise begins
After my death,
If they will be set free
When I lose my breath
Hold them even tighter,
Take them in hand
Protect and love them
Provide all I can’t.
They are the greatest gift
You have ever given me,
Forgive me for all
I have failed to be.

Thank You for the days I had.

I keep throwing words at You
Thinking it will somehow change
What has been, what must be:
The numb new strange.

I believed You.

All these years I’ve kept my sprit tender
To hear, to love, to give
Now it hardens in my hands-
I want to live

Where are You?

I’m about to leave this place
And You have multiplied my daily bread
But the distance will cement
The rejected, cold, dead

Woman I’ve become.

Forgive me for moving here,
For everything I put the children through.
If the people here ever care to ask,
Forgive them too.

If You count sin, who could stand?

I guess it’s time to go.
I’ve been so wrong
Guessing what You were doing
It’s gone on so long

I’ve built my walls.

I’m not sure anything
Can penetrate my defenses
Grief has severed me and
Scar-tissued my senses.

This cycle closes the circuit.

In just a moment,
I won’t want anything to do with any of them ever again.

Remember Your promise.
Remember Your maidservant.

I struggle to remember
The promise You made
The word You gave
That carried me out of my grave

It all seems lost.

I believed in love
Do I still?
Save me ere I perish.
Don’t let them all kill

The girl You alone have valued.

I have been spoiled.
I am foolish and ignorant.
I wanted someone to contradict
But they were all in agreement

And the bereavement leaves me in arrears,
Inconsolable, in tears no one marks

But You, right?

I can’t see love ahead, no matter
How far down the road I look
All my love has ever been
Was a worm on a hook,
A chicken neck in a crab pot,

A pathetic little girl
Apologizing for being hurt.
It’s no wonder
I’ve never been worth
A gentle hand.

They were all right about me.
I secede.

The truth is, and I can’t say why,
But I love Canton, MO still.
This place exposed my worst,
And broke my will,
Is that why I love them?

I have to get away, to restore
To my children what is lost.
This place of fist, of teeth,
Has acquired a severe cost
Their childhood has eaten.

I am more alone than ever before
And the weight is solely mine to bear
But I must do what must be done-
Whatever it takes to care
For my brood, as best I can.

I don’t understand
The loss of this run,
This profound tragedy,
There’s so much I should have done
To protect them better.

But I am committed
To preserving the last years
Of their innocence
Engaging them beyond fear
With the world outside.

They are all that matter now,
All that ever did.

Halfway across the map,
Something between roam
And color-bearing crusade,
I sought after HOME
That mysterious happening
Pulsing in the soul
Like a lighthouse flashing
The weary traveler’s goal.
Home is the tune by which
The back of the brain lives beset:
That song you won’t remember,
Nor can you ever forget
But a westerly gust
Filled my ears
With longing like drumbeats
Though the source was unclear
I followed this tune
Through the tangled trees
By coastline and ridgeline
Over bridge, out of lee,
Landing empty-handed,
All my provisions hard-spent,
Bearing all degradations
To pay my children’s rent

The singular gravity
That pulled me inland
Stands too good for me
Appraisals now rend
My tender torn dignity
I am kicked by strangers
Because I am not worthy
Of protection from danger
And the song I so loved
That leaves me far-flung
Is beyond my own voice;
It must remain unsung.
How foolish I’ve been!
What a fool I am
To wager all I was
For a passing West Wind.

Now I must decide whether
To gaze from the gutter, day after day,
Or restore my empty fortunes
By moving away

From the Masterpiece.

The storm struck
With closed fist raised high
Falling, rising, falling again
As the bell tolls nigh
The ornations all stripped away
Torn from hinge and frame
Lost to the easterly wind
Only exposed caissons remain
But all is never truly lost
If You stand in the midst
Though the evicted void
Of spinning winds and pelting mists
Echo the phantom limbs
Of plundered spaces
Even the absences
Are smoothed by Your graces.

Even when everything that still feels
Hurts.

You warned the storm approached
At the first, You set me free to flee,
But told me if I stayed in trust
You would make a blessing of me.

I have stood this ground
Even if only collapsed upon it.
If the day could be weathered,
To my broken best, I’ve won it.

There is only one force firm enough,
To keep my feet from flight,
To force me to grieve through,
To face the demons of the night

One alone: I believe You.

I’m not sure I believe anything else,
But…

I believe You beyond my senses,
I believe You above the storm.