viewingcamelot

I waited for my father to come back
But he never did.
When I found him later,
He left again.

My husband has been leaving me,
And returning
But he’s gone for good,
And I’m learning.

You promised not to leave me
As an orphan
And You haven’t.
Will You love me more than these?

There is no one else coming for me.
I have lived between the cracks
For an entire lifetime.
Are You coming back?

You’ve shown me eternity.
If it weren’t so,
You would have told me.

P.S.

In spite of it all,
Thank You for all my days,
For the adventure We’ve been on
Through all the wandering ways
We’ve taken together.
You made faces at the dark
To make me laugh
You gave me Your spark
So I could look like You.

You taught me things
Too big for me to understand;
When I stumbled,
You steadied me in Your hands.
You’ve glowed with beauty
Beyond anything else I’ve seen
You’ve tenderly held me;
You’ve washed me clean.

You are the greatest love story of my life.

You are the only love story of my life.

(The scale-it-down version.)

I won’t try to hurt you
On purpose.
If I realize I have,
I’ll tell you.
I’ll try to build what you’re building
Or abstain,
But I won’t knock it down
On purpose.
I won’t set you up for failure
Or diminish you
On purpose.
When I realize I am,
I’ll stop.
Whatever we are, or aren’t,
I won’t bring anyone else into it;
We will stay alone together.
I will try to be honest
No matter what.
When I realize I haven’t been,
I’ll tell you.
I’ll think of you as my ally,
Not my enemy,
And not my victim.
I’ll help you be a better parent,
Not make it harder,
Or make you look bad to the kids.
I’ll try to remember
You are a non-renewable resource
And not draw too much from you at once.
When I realize I’m burning you out,
I’ll stop.
I’ll give you opportunities to rest.
I will make the kids a top priority.
I won’t steal from the family, or damage us, in any way I can help.

I’m resigning myself
To loveless years
To finishing this race
An entity of one,

I know my vision is unclear,
But it seems to me what’s done is done.

It’s odd that I believed
Human Being was intertwined
With being with someone-
But I was always alone

I was alone the whole time.
It’s how I’ve grown,

And who I’ve grown into.
It’s all that’s left to do.

How heavy was the stone?
More than a man can move,
And impossible
From inside the tomb.
I hear Sunday dawns
And resurrection reigns
But without the sun
It’s all the same.
I wait in the dark
Where every man stands alone.
I will never be free
If You don’t roll the stone.

I’ve had a dream
Of what love could be:
A kind of innate recognition
The deep calling out to deep,
Being unable to move forward
Until what’s absent is pulled close,
Safe and tended,
Chosen by the one you chose

But all these things
It seems I’ll never know
And there’s nothing to do
But let it go.

This side of heaven
I have no home.
I’m sorry I tried to steal one,
I tried to cease my roam
By carving with tools
Forged of pure willpower
A thing I’m not made to have.
All these wasted hours-
I release the dream.
Everything here I may build
Is born to die, made of material
That has already been killed.
All these details could have branched
In any direction,
Their reticulations set my course in stone
I soldier on alone, barring a full resurrection.
Should I resent the company for taking the kill shot?
All things flow from Your hand.
All things had to converge
So that I could understand

Earth will never cradle me.
I have no comfort of home here;
I have marching orders.
I lace up my boots, and lay down my fear.

I’m ready for my next deployment.
I won’t do this ever again.
Help me travel light. Give me victory
Over my adversary and my sin.

Help me endure and be strong
Fight the good fight- I don’t belong
This side of heaven

Not for long.
Sorry it took so long
To see.

I have been a fool
All the days of my life.

Every memory, every song,
Every memento I’ve picked up
All along the wayward paths
I thought were straight

Just deepen the ache.

There’s nothing behind
But ash and smoke,
And there’s nothing ahead but fog.
I don’t fit in where I am;
I have no people.
Even the ones I birthed
See me as a foreigner.

I know my sin has been grievous.
I have no requests,
No petitions, no pleas;

I know You.

I cannot receive worse than justice.
I will not receive less than grace.
On Your decision, I wait.

If it’s from Your hand,
It’s good and right
And I understand that it should be.

I live by faith, not by sight.
You install or depose me

According to Your own good will.

Live or die, suffer or thrive,
I am always Your bondservant.
I cling. I yield.

Work is great;
My team is led by
Two great leaders in-step
With each other and
Their own internal hierarchy.
They know everything;
They patiently teach me.
I am set free alone to make it be
Through the night shift.

Last night was a lot,
But I organized and conquered,
Just under the wire
I left in exuberance,
As the sun rose.
A quick trip home
Around the corner

And his van is gone.
The door gapes open
Gulping in the arctic cold.

I stop my car unaware
In the middle of the street.
I call his phone
Twice.
No answer.

I pull into his vacant spot.
Would he take the kids?
For three breaths,
There is only my breath.
I put the car in park,
Shut down and exit,
Approaching the open door slowly
Surveying the floor
For signs of struggle or injury-
I weigh what I know, what I can;
Would he hurt them?

I get to the door.
Nothing inside is disturbed,
So I turn on the light
Then lock up behind me.
Would he leave this early
To pick up the wood?

I call him again; no answer.

Did it happen this morning,
Or last night?

I move into the next room
And hit the switch
Braced.
His bed is made, but tousled;
He slept here.
I creep up the steps
Listening with all my ears
To the silent house.

As I get upstairs,
The dogs scratch
At the inner door of a bedroom.
That’s a very good sign.
I go door to door
Silently opening them
Counting and watching
Their little chests rise and fall,
Rise and fall,
In blissful sleep.
The house up here is warm, still.

If the dogs are fine,
So are the older ones
Who let them sleep on their toes.

I step back out
His old phone is on the counter.
He got a new one yesterday.
I pull out my call log.
I am an idiot.
I called his old phone.
He must be getting wood.
The wind opened the door.
I made this all up in my head.

I slip back out
And surprise the house
With Casey’s breakfast pizza
For no reason-

To celebrate them
Breathing in their beds.

I get him a nice coffee,
Just on a whim-

To apologize for thinking the worst.

I tell no one of my morning scare
Because I was following the shadow
Of a thing that wasn’t there.

He dwells in unapproachable light
Beyond the limits of matter;
We are made of clay
In a scale model that clatters
In clumsy inefficiencies.

This hot kiln life
Is only setting the glaze,
One day, on crossing the bar,
Beyond the haze
We’ll see light in truth,

And He is both.
He is what is.

We are in His terrarium
With necessary parameters,
Perimeters and conditions,
And His Word- we swam in verse
From fiat through the curse

Until He compressed Light,
The rays, the waves,
Into a particle of Flesh
Absorbing darkness to save,
Dispelling the inefficient grave.

Look up! Look past
The walls of our reality.

I feel the immeasurable effulgence
Containing, cradling all that is low,
And the truth of it is Beyond,
And Above, and I know,
Somehow, I already know its Beauty.

Look up! Look Beyond!
All that is being sung
Is summed up in the One
His kingdom, even now, comes,
Who writes the first and last verse

Who dwells in unapproachable Light
Yearning we should gain our sight-

Open your eyes!
SEE

I feel awful.
I have blamed them bitterly
For not being ready spiritually
For the happening of me.

I wanted their protection,
Some insulation from my hell
But they couldn’t protect me from themselves;
Not one of us was well.

Forgive me
For not speaking grace
In the most powerful place
Staring full into the face
Of sin and failure.