viewingcamelot

I just woke up
Years lost to ether
I am jarred alert
Through numb and fever
By the sound of shattering
An echo by the time I hear:
A touch familiar, a touch foreign,
Unseen, but certainly near
Intact no more, I follow drafts
I wander room to room
Amid broken glass interred in dust
But I know this break is new
And the lights are blown
Debris is scattered
Photographs under foot
Retrace the shatter
In red tones streaming
From paneless moors
Blood on the moon
Castoff on the floor
Congealed in horror
Seized in fear
Don’t slide back to sleep:

Was there a murder here?

The last year
Required more than I had
Not in new demands
But old ones staggered
Closer together

I tried

I threw everything combustible
Into the furnace fuming
Then everything that was left
To keep the engine burning
But as we sputtered

Into the station

The engine died

Still I tried

Desperately working two rails
Pushing forward through pain
Isolated by indifference
Trying to remain
An adoring helper

As I promised to be
Forever
And in my fervor
To keep it together
The wheels fell off

And I stood in shock
In the silence of a train wreck
Beyond comprehension
In slow-motion reflection
And I saw the machine

Honestly
And for the first time.

I saw the apathy and resentment
Inside the casing
Of the words I believed
Poisoned pills- embracing
The thing that deceived me

Because I agreed I was too much
And too little
To deserve love
I worked and whittled
Myself to sharpened bones

And apologized
For what was no sin
And groveled
For permission
To be myself

I can’t unsee the wreckage.

I wandered out numb
To a gentler place
Kindness framed
Familiar new faces
I sat in peace

Even joy.

I wasn’t working, fighting,
In the blood and the sweat
Or paying assigned penance
Before the accusations were read-
I was just a woman.

I was real and seen
I could sing and play
And I was limited too,
And that was okay
I was a real woman.

It was the best I’ve ever felt.

Now I’m entering the marathon
Set ahead of me
One I must run
By necessity
And I must.

My feet pick up the pace
The repetitive drumming
But I carry with me all the
Hopscotch and humming

In the burnt-out hollowed
Engine room of my soul.

I talk too much:

I always have, I think.
Five pounds at birth
Already too much
For whatever that’s worth.

I care too much:

About stuff I ought to let go
For as long as I can remember
But it’s not about control;
It requires constant surrender.

I smoke too much:

Because a single is excess
And mine come by battalions
Stamping at my lungs
Like untamed stallions.

I cry too much:

Part of caring and surrender
And just being plain dumb.
The vulnerability of openness
Won’t allow me to numb.

I think too much:

But I’ve spent my life
Mostly alone
In every way that matters
Especially at home.

Lately,

I’m unable to help
With the everyday chores
Because there’s nowhere for me
To take hold anymore
No corner to grab,
To inhabit, or claim.
I’m adrift and undone.
I will never be the same

For better or worse.

The golden wane clings to day
Reaching its arms across the hills
Hugging the east as it slips away
One last embrace before the still
Greens explode in radiance
As light speaks to light
Flooding the gradients
With this beatific sight
Creation delights in-
Darkness marches in vacuum
Beyond the eastern horizon
It will fill this space as a smoky room
But darkness is never advancing.
It is in constant retreat
From the glorious light that’s dancing
Around us all on childlike feet

The light that’s been dancing
Since the earth took her first breath.

Thank you for trees:
Roots sifting their fingers
Through Your earth,
Holding steady to linger
To feed the heartwood-
The beauty of intricate bark
Weaving organic apparel
Coarse, austere, stark,
And also fragile,
Tactile and alive
Thank you for the limbs
That reach for the sky
As though in worship
For all You’ve made
Leaves bursting forth
In silent serenade
Always upwards and outwards

In fitting praise.

You installed Saul
So I will honor him as king
Until You depose him
In the justice You bring.
My allegiance is Yours
Your ways are above my own
Your timing is divine;
You are the Almighty alone
And You have shown me
You’re doing a brand new thing
In that moment of vision
I heard the whole earth sing
I bloomed in hope
And if I now grieve
Forgive my unbelieving heart
Show me again how to believe
As the beggar-child I’ve been
The grafted co-heir with Christ
Let what follows,
Regardless of the price,
Be a gift I can give You.
Help me be true

To You and David.

P.S.

It lingers in my thinking
And I feel the need to say
When I say You installed Saul
You were giving me my way
I, like Israel in ages past,
Demanded a king
I thought would lead, defend,
Protect me from everything
But I should have chosen You alone
I was so tired, and the world so unkind
I thought he was the closest approximation
To You I could find

But I was wrong.

I have wept my eyes weak,
And pulled the curls from my hair
If You want me to submit to these
I will purpose in my soul to bear it
Alongside the other burdens
That have long been mine
I know if I’m lost
You still leave the ninety-nine
Because You are unchanging
And You alone may save
I prayed for freedom,
But didn’t see what a slave
I’ve become over the years
If you want me to strive
Like Jacob, for a new name,
That You have derived
Like watchmen and widows
Refusing to be ignored
I will obey,
I will hold on until You have restored
The years the locusts have eaten away.

And an unexpected grace reminds me:

You’re the peace in my troubled sea
I will fear not tomorrow
You will carry me
Beyond storm and sorrow
Teaching me, if needed,
How to wrestle
Sending the leadership I need
As Your weaker vessel.

Omniscient, omnipotent God
Who is able to keep me from stumbling.

These years repeat
And I’ve been defeated by them.
Have You kept my tears in a bottle?
Are they not in Your book?

I know that I must
Pick myself up again
But I’m driving in
Mired in this end
And I can’t fight
To fix it, to make it alright
Over and over and over
Over again
I’m tired of being the defender
Of my owner’s land.
I need a husband
I need You to be my husband
Catch me ere I fall.
Be my all in all.

You told the watchmen
To give You no rest.
I’m afraid to test You,
But here I am.
Move for me again.

These momentary troubles
Tugging downward on the spine
Exaggerating their weight
To lay me supine
Delighting to overwork me
To leave me vexed
Wither within the reality
Of their true context:

They are eternally weightless.

In comparison with the unchangeable
Weight and substance of glory
These pains are earning,
Tangible, intemporally
Radiant returns.
The lightened levy
Purchases in exponents,
And if it feels heavy

That’s the lie.

‭‭2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NASB1995‬

Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

Empty halls and empty chairs…
You never know how much you care
Until empty days when no one’s there.