viewingcamelot

I miss home;
Lightning bugs and the song of crickets
Time to waste, time to roam,
Tromping through meadows and thickets
Never crowded, never alone

I miss belonging somewhere
In a way no one could overturn
Just because I was always there;
With nothing to earn
And everything to spare.

I want his face to kiss
The one who matches my soul
That one I have always missed
In whose absence I am never whole
Whom I have prayed some simple twist

Of fate, or coincidence
Would bring us close enough to touch.
He who is my home.

The vodka warms my gut
Like a pot-bellied stove
No one knows is burning
A sensory-laden trove

Hidden in plain sight.

No one sees me,
And today, in the mystery,
I take advantage of the benefits
Of the anonymity

And numb myself to the touches
I never receive.

The dog cried
And I felt the fabric tear,
The message clear,
Hatred burns there
And murder is imprisoned
By thin restraints
And more bad omens
The yelping complaints
Foreshadow my own when

His hands may fall upon me.

Saul grumbled against You tonight
And I could see his hand around the spear
By the things that follow, I’m touched by fright
Uphold the one You’ve held as dear
Preserve my life from the lion’s den
Like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego
When I stand defenseless before violent men
And what will occur, I cannot know:
Steel my reserves; cause me to stand
Whether I survive or perish.
You have inscribed me on Your hand:
Unworthy, unable, but cherished
Like You say bridegrooms sometimes do.
You’ve whispered the silence now approaches
And I’m scared of losing You,
And falling, falling into Your reproaches
But You never turn bitter, nor turn away,
Nor remove the mask of facade:
You will love me, come what may,
Because You, and You alone, are God.

I’ve always tried to be
The friend I thought I’d need
But Karma called my hand
And it was empty.

Oh, how hard I tried-
How I swam against the tide
Swirling into the monster.
There’s nowhere now to hide,

No closet in which to weep.
Am I becoming the thing that ate my sleep?
And if I should die before I wake
Was any part of me ever worth the keep?

Empty hands. Empty dreams.
The emptied soul no one sees.

I watch him as he goes
With all my children inside the van
But what is inside the man
Is a thing I cannot know.
A soul marred by knots and gnarls
Some foul sulfur in the exhale.
Resonating behind a pleasant veil
Seeps a constant, guttural snarl
But there are a million ways to bleed
And if I’m being fair
They may thrive more in his care
Than around my ever-aching need;

My failures and retreats.

In this brief eruption
Of hot blood and breath,
A flicker in the forest fire,
A fuse from birth to death:
For You alone
Let me burn
For from dirt and ash
I came, I am, and I will return.

Let my light burn for You.

Sometimes
I’ve called out to You
And You answered
Before that breath was through
Before I voiced my need,
Or the sun went out
Behind my dark anger
And vast doubt.

Sometimes
You sit silently with me
In the valley of the unresolved
You let me weep
The flow of tears bears me
From day to week to the endless wait
In the abiding dark
No new morning seems to break

In which Your new mercies will bring new joy.

Always
You stay.
You whisper, You hum, You hear
Every ache I pray.

In my broken sin
I try to look up and sing,
To comprehend
The incomprehensible thing:

The Savior’s love for me.

Don’t let me end here: a tragedy.
Don’t let those who crushed me
Delight in their victory
Of vindicated mockery.

You are my everything

And my only.