It’s the same pattern
On repeat, oh Father
How have I been so blind?
I’ve always felt like a bother,
And that was by design.

He encourages what I love
Until I invest and enjoy it,
Then he suffocates it slowly,
Until, ultimately destroying it,
He displays torn remnants of its carcass

And when my grief levels off, and
I begin to dig the grave I’ve had to measure,
He auctions off what bits remain
To indulge his basest pleasures
Wiping the fat on my funeral shroud.

He is evil and I am blind
But even as I learn to see
What am I going to do about it
Except cry out to Thee
My Just Father-King:

Deliver me from evil.

I was a vestal sacrifice
To a ruby-toothed beast
Whose gaze becomes salivation
Licking talon to lip in feast
At tender, unblemished innocence

In the dark, I believed
(Because I could not see)
How he described himself,
How he described me
And I was painted the monster.

Meal after meal, he preyed
As I apologized
For being hard to chew
And he prized
How easily I was consumed.

In chilled blood and thirst
He devoured more each year
Complacent with his prior serving
Enjoying my growing fear
More with every passing day.

Then, just once, he thrashed
Breaking open his lair
Light fell upon his filthy scales
His spiny tail- I saw him there
In all his slimy snarl.

I saw he was the monster,
And I was not.
Now he sees it in my eyes;
I know his rot,
And he hates me more each day.

He wants my eyes to go away.

I’ve been doing the best I can,
I’ve tried so hard, for so long,
But it isn’t enough.
I am not strong.

I need You.
My children need You.

Where are You?

You promised.
Please. Gently, God.
I’m so tired.
I’m so sore.

There is no One like You.
How I abhor the company
Of the teeth that grind,
The leering, veering exultantly
Proud antipathy

To Your Eminence.

You are the One and Only
True King Eternal
Your power not bestowed,
Not validated by the external,
But radiates from Your internal

Glorious Being.

No man can wave a finger,
Nor raise a fist,
But that You allow in patience
What should not exist
Until the darkness is dismissed

And hubris feasts on dust.

Fearsome Holy God
Burning up the darkness
Like an inconsumable constellation
Like molten metal, in starkness
To the cold hearts in this

Rebellious, faithless place.

You could withdraw
Your presence, Your breath
And the wisest wither,
All that would be left
Is even less than

A shadow of death

But You tarry, for now,

Until the hour

No man may stay You.

If You will guard my little brood,
Keep them in Your perfect care,
Then there’s nothing else
I hoped for here
That is still ahead.

Thank You for the college bells,
And the Mississippi River.
Thank You for winding roads again,
And falling leaves, oh Tender Giver,
I am ready now.

Forgive the failures of my days
Try to remember what love I gave.
I am sorry I can’t surpass myself
I’m sorry for the words I should have saved,
The silence I should have kept.

I know this place was cruel to me,
But it felt like home still.
Thank You for letting me finish here
Thank You for the tenderness in Your will.

When the moment comes
To be at rest,
Bear me in arm
Cradled upon Your chest.

Please help me tend
My tender flock
Help me protect, provide,
Take stock
Of all they need to thrive
All they need to heal
Help me absorb
What they shouldn’t feel
Give them joy and health
A warmer, caring community
Give them gentleness, quiet strength,
A world of opportunities
If Your promise begins
After my death,
If they will be set free
When I lose my breath
Hold them even tighter,
Take them in hand
Protect and love them
Provide all I can’t.
They are the greatest gift
You have ever given me,
Forgive me for all
I have failed to be.

Thank You for the days I had.

I keep throwing words at You
Thinking it will somehow change
What has been, what must be:
The numb new strange.

I believed You.

All these years I’ve kept my sprit tender
To hear, to love, to give
Now it hardens in my hands-
I want to live

Where are You?

I’m about to leave this place
And You have multiplied my daily bread
But the distance will cement
The rejected, cold, dead

Woman I’ve become.

Forgive me for moving here,
For everything I put the children through.
If the people here ever care to ask,
Forgive them too.

If You count sin, who could stand?

I guess it’s time to go.
I’ve been so wrong
Guessing what You were doing
It’s gone on so long

I’ve built my walls.

I’m not sure anything
Can penetrate my defenses
Grief has severed me and
Scar-tissued my senses.

This cycle closes the circuit.

In just a moment,
I won’t want anything to do with any of them ever again.

Remember Your promise.
Remember Your maidservant.

I struggle to remember
The promise You made
The word You gave
That carried me out of my grave

It all seems lost.

I believed in love
Do I still?
Save me ere I perish.
Don’t let them all kill

The girl You alone have valued.

I have been spoiled.
I am foolish and ignorant.
I wanted someone to contradict
But they were all in agreement

And the bereavement leaves me in arrears,
Inconsolable, in tears no one marks

But You, right?

I can’t see love ahead, no matter
How far down the road I look
All my love has ever been
Was a worm on a hook,
A chicken neck in a crab pot,

A pathetic little girl
Apologizing for being hurt.
It’s no wonder
I’ve never been worth
A gentle hand.

They were all right about me.
I secede.

The truth is, and I can’t say why,
But I love Canton, MO still.
This place exposed my worst,
And broke my will,
Is that why I love them?

I have to get away, to restore
To my children what is lost.
This place of fist, of teeth,
Has acquired a severe cost
Their childhood has eaten.

I am more alone than ever before
And the weight is solely mine to bear
But I must do what must be done-
Whatever it takes to care
For my brood, as best I can.

I don’t understand
The loss of this run,
This profound tragedy,
There’s so much I should have done
To protect them better.

But I am committed
To preserving the last years
Of their innocence
Engaging them beyond fear
With the world outside.

They are all that matter now,
All that ever did.