Every dark thing
Led me to see the Light.
I’m grateful for each day,
Because I survived the night.

Thy Will Be Done.

This dark cloud
I now struggle against,
This grief, is like a cemetery
In which I am fenced.

Thy Will Be Done.

I cannot see,
But I know You do.
I cannot trust me,
But I belong to You.

Thy Will Be Done.

Thy Perfect and Good Will.

How our hearts
Beat against the dark
Trapped in the cavernous core
Blind, restless, ceaseless, sore

But they beat against the night anyway
In defiance of reason.

A crushed spirit, who can bear?
This bitter gall
This hidden grief of all
I loved and from where I felt care

Now there are only jagged stones

Cold weight and death and absence

Who can bear, and for how long?

Not I.

Tell me there’s a way
Out of captivity.
Tell me some day
I will wake next to an ocean
I will feel the warmth of the sun
And the warmth of love
And some foreign ember
Whose countenance I can’t recall
But goes by a name
Like joy, I think.

“I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.” Psalm 27:13

I throw tantrums.
I break things with my words.
I ask questions
In all the most absurd
Ways: statements, accusations,
I yearn for them to be denied
By what is.
I lay hope aside
But watch to see if she moves,
It’s she’s still alive.
She never gives up,
But she’s failed to thrive.

I want to be loved,
But it seems an impossible task.
I want peace, joy, hope,
But it is so much to ask.
And this world paints
Its fingerprints on my arms
On even the best of days
I run from paradise at any harm
And there’s always harm.
But I’m tired of being afraid.
I’m tired of being alone;
I’m tired of running away.

The worst beatings I got
Came from staying too long,
Not running fast enough
Not changing the song.
I try to be safe for people
Who are not dangerous
I felt being safe for them
Was my main purpose
But we’re all dangerous.
Even the best people can
Kick at the fences
To see if they’ll stand.

I hate violence.
It’s the song on repeat
Breaking up better refrains
But I can’t make another retreat.
I say a lot of terrible things,
But I want You to speak over me.
I want You to contradict
The curses I’ve lived and seen
With the promises You have whispered
Into my DNA.

I’m worried if I stay
I’ll stand alone under the fist of fate
That has always looked for a way
To crush me, to sate

A blade with my blood.

I’m tired of bleeding
I’m tired of running
I just want somewhere safe
For my children to play

And grow
Someplace healthy.

I’m about out of fuel,
But You don’t retreat, You don’t lose,
Even when You die alone by violence
I want to look like You, so I choose

To stand, to face the thing
That hates my face.

Stand in front of me.
I know heaven is not on this earth
Help me fulfill the purpose
You had for my birth.

If it’s my last beating,
Give me the energy to stand.
I’m so tired.

What’s happening?

I can feel it breaking free,
Like a sand bar eroding
And tumbling into the sea.

What’s happening?

You are still You.
I still belong to You.

I may never have made it
Out of the murder room,
But look at the tea party we’ve had
And if I end up leaving here soon

I’d like to reserve a table for Two
Up there with You.

Whatever it’s worth,
It’s all Yours.

Hear me again,
Like You alone have, in every age,

I know I’m broken and bizarre.
People hate me
Or pity me.

I can’t tell the difference.

But I am Yours.
For whatever it’s worth.

Melt my resistance.

It feels like You’re talking to me
More frequently again;
Please hold me close.
Is something about to happen?

I don’t like the striving world.
I don’t like the constant tug-of-more.
Always shoving to grab
We were made for

The opposite thing.
I died in this place,
Will You resurrect?
Move with grace

Like You do with a seed
That falls to the ground.
Somehow through the death
You cause life to abound.

I am grateful
For all You’ve provided
All You’ve protected
The way You have guided.

You can do anything.
And I no longer care
What You do-

Just keep me close to You.

I’m ill-fitted for anything else.
I’m done, but You, be known
In mercy, in love- I’ve run dry.
I’m by necessity alone.

I’ve don’t have what people usually want.
I’m exhausted to be.
I can’t pretend; I don’t wish to try.
Do You still want me?

Why do You want me?
I’m sorry I wasted me.

You’ve been so generous.
Help me believe,
Not what’s wrong-
Help me see

The beauty You weave.
Help me sing You a new song.

I want to feel happy.

Here You are again.

(Waiting outside the ER on a Tuesday. )

I allow,
I have always allowed
The worst to have its say.
I’ve wrapped my face with a shroud
Of lies.

I have believed
Every bad thing the enemy said
Through any willing mouthpiece
I have beaten myself, run, hid,
Quit- all because of shadow puppets.

I don’t know
What the truth of me is
But I’ll throw out the highs and lows
Whatever is left, is His-
Whatever I am, I am God’s.

I trust
If I have life left ahead
Or if I don’t, because truth must out
Whether I am alive or dead,
He can teach me who I am.

He might be
The only one on the planet

Who sees me.