This nightmare rips me awake
Repeatedly stabbing me
In piercing hatred, I quake
Under the blade, fearfully,
Again, it comes in innocence
And ends in childlike screams
And all good sense
Says it’s just a dream
But I’ve been murdered
A hundred times
And return uninterred
Into the same crime
I wake in the aching strain
Of knowing my little brood
Will suffer the same pain
Will be offered up as the same food
And wakefulness offers no relief
To the blade that devours
Will You sit by my bedside, my belief,
Through these dark, lonely hours?

I wander outside
To avoid this sleep
But there is nowhere to hide
From the company I keep.

Let me make peace with You
On this hallowed day of giving
In which we praise the offshoot of Jesse,
The root of all the living

For You are not like man,
Whose perpetual greed for more
Distorts his days and simple blessings
Your promises are sure

And Your daily bread
Is a feast of rewards.

As sure as the sun
I orbit each year
As a fixed axis
Neither too far, nor near,
A roiling constant
Warming the earth
For the little seeds
Emerging in new birth

So sure are Your promises.

As sure as the ancient moon
Orbiting me with borrowed light
Watching high in the sky
Through the loneliest nights
Marking time in tides
Among the host of stars
Reminding us the day
Is never too far

So sure are Your promises.

Jeremiah 33

What words remain
Worth speaking?
Have resolutions emerged
Something worth keeping
From the earthen mounds
Verbose heaps
Cataloging the lost.
Was there anything to keep?

When I have digested these concepts
By the consonant and vowel
Each morsel of shock masticated
Excreted via tracheal bowels
All sound and fury
Over a swollen tongue
Can any change be wrought
By these words I’ve wrung?

Has howling at the moon
Ever altered its spin?

This grief bleeds
Freely from my torn soul
Can I ever be loved?
Will I ever be whole?
I sit by these crashing waves
Where You are near
I strain to see You
Through my crested tears
In this place of solitude
I am unknown
Untended, unseen:
I weep alone
And these words scuttle
Along the dirt
Like fallen leaves and dried prayers
And this hurt
Knows no comforter
There are no arms
In which I belong, I am safe
From the tide of harm
In whispered vespers
I exhale my sorrows
I am so small.
Carry me into tomorrow.

I believe unto the grave.

Today, in crisp morning,
I remember You
As fresh, falling flakes
Slow-dance the old into new
And the rain that fell hard,
Pelting my yesterday,
Drifts into the promise
Of all tomorrow may
Be or bring or become
You paint white with hope
Over the madness and chaos;
The night in which I couldn’t cope
Yields to a blank canvas horizon
And a future yet unwritten
But filled with the potential
Of a rock that is smitten
Yet gushes again.
Even if this is merely a tender goodbye
In gratitude, my heart overflows
In tune with the snow-laden sky.

In Your image
I am made
You, who speaks to storms
In their swirling rage
Whose voice sorts and quiets
Furious tempests
And I have faced the storm.
I have made my lists
Cataloging my identity
Who I have been historically,
Who I think I am,
And who I hope to be.

These blows landed fair
And they felled me to my knees
My muscles spasm in pain
But also contract to lift me
To propel me upwards
Once again, toward the sun
And when I stand, I’ll walk,
And when I walk, I’ll run.

“Let us run with endurance
The race set before us.”
Hebrews 12:1

You sang over
The bitterness of my grief
In the gall I drank
The aftertaste was sweet
With Your presence and power
I’ve found my only relief
In finding Your love
Is resolute and complete.

As I walk this broken road
On my broken limbs
Help me see the hidden clues,
Your whispers and hints,
To lift my voice to You
In broken hymns
To praise the God who stays
Fixed in redemptive intent

Towards Your broken lamb,
Which is all I am
And ever have been:

Yours.

For Stephen, You split the sky.
For Moses, You split the sea.
Now You’ve split open
The deepest parts of me

Don’t leave me alone in the deep,
Come find me.

Be with me.

He asked for my always
Come what may
I stood before Your altar
And gave it all away
I’ve loved him strong
Through every season
I tied my love for him with Yours
For no other reason

Than he was
And You are I AM

The unwanted grief of death
Drives the living away
Warm tears on cold stones
Are all I can pray
Who I’ve been is mingled in
With the ghost that is fled
His death has pulled me
Into the land of the dead

Because he no longer is
Oh Great I Am

I died with him
But he’s not coming back
You died once, too
Alone and attacked
In all the grief that flesh is heir to
I have to release what’s lost
To avoid the grave
But who can bear the cost

Of who he could have been
Be tender to me, Oh Great I Am.

In our union, the three became one
Now I must decide
If I will lie down undone
By his graveside
From which no hand remains
To protect me
Or if I will whisper one more prayer:
Father, resurrect me.

Because I am Yours
And You are I Am.

*Zack Williams & Dolly Parton/ There was Jesus