All I wanted
Was to get away.
In my great fear and aversion
I didn’t want to stay;
I looked for any way to escape-

That wasn’t keeping my vow.

He doesn’t seem like a monster,
Unless he’s hiding it from me.
I know he has dark corners
I cannot see
But he showed some freely;

Those obscure memories feel out of context.

He tries so hard
To be a good man,
And I’m such a mess
He’s the only one who can
Keep in step with me

Who stays, who allows me to be
The great cacophony of me.

And before You, I promised everything
Always.

And I can’t do it alone.

And aside from him, I always end up alone.

I want to blame the ones
Who have disappointed me
Who could have extended a hand
To help pull me
From these choppy seas,

But it’s all on me.

I should have seen.
I should have known.
If I had only listened
To You alone,
If I’d relinquished my groaning,

I wouldn’t be here.

I am not listening right now,
In this dream sequence I live in.
I hear You’re still speaking,
But my sin taunts me to give in,
To forget the language of heaven

To embrace the darkness.

I know it will undo me
But I feel my numb fingers
Reaching for the clasp
On Pandora’s Box, I linger
I hear Your people sing

Your promises.

I have never been enough,
But You have never deserted me.
What comes next scares me,
But You have preserved me
Through all the lies that hurt me,

That have carved into my soul.

In my brokenness
When there was nothing left
I begged You to fix Your love on me.
I am now caught in a godless cleft,
I live bereft

Of Your tender virtues

But Your grace isn’t just for the broken,
It’s for the breakers, too.
I am not innocent before You
Unless Your blood slakes
My guilt, unless You take

Loving me as seriously as You promise

And Your promise never expires.

Fix Your love on the traitor in me.
Finish what You’ve started,

Even if I’m not building anymore.

Look gently;
Absolve my sin.
I do not bridle my tongue.
I do not bridle my pen.

I am flailing in the deeps.
My arms slap the waves.
My fingers claw at the current
For something solid to save
But the saltwater stings my eyes
And burns in my open throat.
It wasn’t like this at first;
More than tragedy capsized my boat.

I was following Your lead,
Through the agony
But it kept my legs
Stable underneath me.
Something felt a step too far,
A step beyond what I could do.
I backed off Your ship,
And sank into the deep dark blue.
Was it bitterness?
A child’s exaggerated fear?
Was it my old reactions kicking in,
I run, I hide, I keep no one near,
I wall off even the memories.
I reset it all, to numb the nerves
Still sore from the perpetual pounding
Everyone agreed I deserve.

But everyone turned You black and blue.
You forgave them.
You restored them too.

Help me be more like You.

I waited for my father to come back
But he never did.
When I found him later,
He left again.

My husband has been leaving me,
And returning
But he’s gone for good,
And I’m learning.

You promised not to leave me
As an orphan
And You haven’t.
Will You love me more than these?

There is no one else coming for me.
I have lived between the cracks
For an entire lifetime.
Are You coming back?

You’ve shown me eternity.
If it weren’t so,
You would have told me.

P.S.

In spite of it all,
Thank You for all my days,
For the adventure We’ve been on
Through all the wandering ways
We’ve taken together.
You made faces at the dark
To make me laugh
You gave me Your spark
So I could look like You.

You taught me things
Too big for me to understand;
When I stumbled,
You steadied me in Your hands.
You’ve glowed with beauty
Beyond anything else I’ve seen
You’ve tenderly held me;
You’ve washed me clean.

You are the greatest love story of my life.

You are the only love story of my life.

(The scale-it-down version.)

I won’t try to hurt you
On purpose.
If I realize I have,
I’ll tell you.
I’ll try to build what you’re building
Or abstain,
But I won’t knock it down
On purpose.
I won’t set you up for failure
Or diminish you
On purpose.
When I realize I am,
I’ll stop.
Whatever we are, or aren’t,
I won’t bring anyone else into it;
We will stay alone together.
I will try to be honest
No matter what.
When I realize I haven’t been,
I’ll tell you.
I’ll think of you as my ally,
Not my enemy,
And not my victim.
I’ll help you be a better parent,
Not make it harder,
Or make you look bad to the kids.
I’ll try to remember
You are a non-renewable resource
And not draw too much from you at once.
When I realize I’m burning you out,
I’ll stop.
I’ll give you opportunities to rest.
I will make the kids a top priority.
I won’t steal from the family, or damage us, in any way I can help.

I’m resigning myself
To loveless years
To finishing this race
An entity of one,

I know my vision is unclear,
But it seems to me what’s done is done.

It’s odd that I believed
Human Being was intertwined
With being with someone-
But I was always alone

I was alone the whole time.
It’s how I’ve grown,

And who I’ve grown into.
It’s all that’s left to do.

How heavy was the stone?
More than a man can move,
And impossible
From inside the tomb.
I hear Sunday dawns
And resurrection reigns
But without the sun
It’s all the same.
I wait in the dark
Where every man stands alone.
I will never be free
If You don’t roll the stone.

I’ve had a dream
Of what love could be:
A kind of innate recognition
The deep calling out to deep,
Being unable to move forward
Until what’s absent is pulled close,
Safe and tended,
Chosen by the one you chose

But all these things
It seems I’ll never know
And there’s nothing to do
But let it go.

This side of heaven
I have no home.
I’m sorry I tried to steal one,
I tried to cease my roam
By carving with tools
Forged of pure willpower
A thing I’m not made to have.
All these wasted hours-
I release the dream.
Everything here I may build
Is born to die, made of material
That has already been killed.
All these details could have branched
In any direction,
Their reticulations set my course in stone
I soldier on alone, barring a full resurrection.
Should I resent the company for taking the kill shot?
All things flow from Your hand.
All things had to converge
So that I could understand

Earth will never cradle me.
I have no comfort of home here;
I have marching orders.
I lace up my boots, and lay down my fear.

I’m ready for my next deployment.
I won’t do this ever again.
Help me travel light. Give me victory
Over my adversary and my sin.

Help me endure and be strong
Fight the good fight- I don’t belong
This side of heaven

Not for long.
Sorry it took so long
To see.

I have been a fool
All the days of my life.

Every memory, every song,
Every memento I’ve picked up
All along the wayward paths
I thought were straight

Just deepen the ache.

There’s nothing behind
But ash and smoke,
And there’s nothing ahead but fog.
I don’t fit in where I am;
I have no people.
Even the ones I birthed
See me as a foreigner.

I know my sin has been grievous.
I have no requests,
No petitions, no pleas;

I know You.

I cannot receive worse than justice.
I will not receive less than grace.
On Your decision, I wait.

If it’s from Your hand,
It’s good and right
And I understand that it should be.

I live by faith, not by sight.
You install or depose me

According to Your own good will.

Live or die, suffer or thrive,
I am always Your bondservant.
I cling. I yield.