I feel awful.
I have blamed them bitterly
For not being ready spiritually
For the happening of me.

I wanted their protection,
Some insulation from my hell
But they couldn’t protect me from themselves;
Not one of us was well.

Forgive me
For not speaking grace
In the most powerful place
Staring full into the face
Of sin and failure.

I have no corner of this round world
That I call home
Once I’d flown, mine was overgrown
And it’s gone,

But I’ve made my peace with the road.

I have scattered mementos,
Shadows and spaces,
Of the faces I’ve loved, the places
I’ve known

But I’ve held none of them close.

I’ve learned to let go
Of everything once, if I loose my grip
And it slips away, then my grip
Was the only thing making it stay

And my grip is bound to fail one day.

The greater my affection,
The stronger the protection
In letting go of those
Who were never holding on.

But the goodbye burns slow.

This thing broke me,
Crushed me, destroyed me
From every angle

Pain I’ve never known
But You never let go.

I have seen my legs
Burnt to ash, rebuilt,
And burned again

But You take my hand
And somehow I stand.

While You are within me
Like You, I can be killed,
But I will not end

Whatever the dark tragedy
You will always have me

And so I will someday shine again.

I’m not afraid anymore.

We are an odd couple
But now that I can see
Where I belong, where I don’t,
We make sense to me.
We are both displaced souls
But he weathers what others won’t bear
He always makes room for me
And he is always there.
Who else shows up for me?
Who else guards my place?
He is my biggest threat
But my safest space
I proved I couldn’t make it
Alone on the outside.
In his own unique way
He does protect and provide
Without keeping the safety on.

I think of the world that formed us both,
And he really isn’t so bad.
He’s almost a good guy.
The best I’ve had;

The best a girl like me could keep.

I see it clearer now.
I was self-deceived.
I ignored the black flag flying
Because I wanted to believe
What I wanted to believe.

I was never on the inside,
Never invited, not out of spite
But because I didn’t belong-
I didn’t fit in right.
I would have never fit right.

They couldn’t carve room for me
Or permit me to stay near,
Not because I’m no pirate,
Not just because I’m a come-here,
But because I’m a different creature altogether.

I’m a different problem.
It isn’t because they never cared.
There’s simply no room for a thing like me
In the kind of world they share.

And I should have known
Not to show up uninvited
Not to force the issue.

Help me leave here
Empty-handed
Holding no resentment, nor regrets,
Leaving no part of myself stranded
In a land littered by the Ghosts
Of Almost, roving disbanded:
The Land of the Unresolved
Wherein no man
Can long stand

But leaving as-is
Carries a cost.

He put the world in order
While I was gathering
We weather tragedies
As we weave them
These aren’t the dreams
I meant to build
But I was born to the road
And only certain types
Travel the yellow lines
By necessity
Building a whole life
Folds like a fantasy
Into your bindle
Faded photographs
Of the lives you almost had,
Almost lived, almost loved
Until the wind changes
And you do too.
He means I’m never together
And I’m never alone
But I’ll always have help
Packing for the next leg
All the love I almost give,
All the home I almost build,
Belong to the bindle
To the faded photograph
Of who I might have been
But never have

Never could have.

Long I have wandered
The loveless spaces
Cold and jagged
Gashed soles and faceless
In the fog
I call out to You
Silently while wolves howl.
There is nothing new,
Not even the fears
I press into my chest
Your fold-worn words;
I love them best.
I huddle around them
My only warmth and hope,
My only foothold
On the icy slopes
My only friend
In the frozen wilderness,
In the hands of indifferent winters
My only touch of tenderness
Burned by the cold
Biting where I’m exposed
So long I have wandered
In search of repose,

Aching to find, to feel,
To fold myself against

A warm chest
Secure to rest
Your words in flesh
Cradling to mend and capable
Somehow capable

Of truly loving loveless me

Never letting go.

How dear to me
Are my little ones in arm
I wrap around them
To keep away all harm
I pull them close to me
Snuggled in my keep
To ward of the nightmares
That threaten their sleep.

God of Wonders, in secret
Moving through
The lost and oppressed
To pull them closer to You
Under powerful, arrogant noses,
Dry-souled and graceless,
Who cannot see what is,
What’s in front of their faces.
Who try to prevent Your victory
By compounding the weak ones’ cost
Yet Your majesty burns
Through the pain and loss
Giving new life to the dying:
Illuminating eternity.
What a mystery! Death is impotent.
Human urgency
Yields to divine omnipotence;
Life Eternal swallows fear,
As its radiant majesty
Draws nearer and nearer
And all that’s broken is restored,
And all that’s unwell is sound,
And all that’s wicked burns away,
And all that’s lost is found
And His people feel it now
Through the open door
On the other side of the room
True reality is so much more,
More in meaning, more real
Than our barter and trade,
Our battery and exploits-
This striving, grasping existence fades
As the oncoming glow of eternity
Grows in brightness and warmth
Some sister-realm entangled
But purer in substance and form

If the God of that Eternity is for us,
Who can be against us?

If we cannot avoid the approaching radiance,
What is there to fear here?

These weak and momentary struggles
Fall to the graveside;
Immense beauty blooms
Forever incorruptible, truly alive.

So close, we already sense it in the room with us.