Through my years
I have sustained
Many acts of violence
The intense strain
By taking a knee
Absorbing the pain
Standing, taking step by step,
Until momentum changed
Memory and ache.

But this won’t stop hurting.
My children feel the weight
I watch them move differently
Unaware they now compensate
For the thing that changed all things.
The grief infiltrates
And I can’t mend what’s torn
I can’t take
Many more of these days

And nothing can make it better
If You don’t redeem it.

Shadows and Echoes.
People come and go.
Some see me; no one knows
I am my own ghost.

I wait for the kaleidoscope to spin
Pulling me from the place I’m in
Into the chaotic twirl of change again
But who I am already descends

Laid to rest in the most foreign land
My bones interred bear the brand
Will that mark, by some mysterious hand,
Tie me ever to this place I planned,

But could never understand?

I don’t want to leave;
I don’t want to stay.
I want to stop haunting,
To dissolve away

By some gentle breeze,
Into nothing.
Instead

I scream with coyotes
Barefoot I run with them.
I howl like the wind.
My soul is tethered;
I fear I’ll be trapped here when
The kaleidoscope spins

Roaming and wailing with no end.

I’m so grateful
For the incremental victories
That are concrete reminders
That You are with me,
But on the equal and opposite
Of each success
I stare into the void
Of grief and emptiness.

I’m done with calculations,
And I’m not blaming my husband again.
He gets life done
When I am crippled by my sin.
I can’t see a resolution
That doesn’t end in perpetual grief.
I can’t see a higher outcome
Than temporary relief.

Be the God of my wilderness.
Find a vantage point.

My children are all sick.
The house is a mess.
My marriage is comfortably empty.
My boss seemed upset.
I don’t speak the same language
As the ones who wear Your name.
I’ve been alone so long,
It’s all I know, how I must remain:

We sing songs of You
As the Rescuer, the Restorer,
And I am grateful You do.
I’m ashamed to ask, is there more, or…

Or do I take small bites of today’s
Daily Bread
And remember the real Bread of Life
Is best enjoyed after I’m dead?

It’s all grace either way
And I am grateful for today,

But I’ve fallen on hard times.

It used to be so loud.
I wanted terribly to believe
I could be truly loved
It’s a silent grieve

Now the dirt is laid
Over the casket.

I’ve never been clasped
Inside safe arms, where
I could press against a heart
That beat for my welfare.

No more arms, no surprises,
Just tending my brood
And saying goodbye.

You are a judge and advocate
For those who can’t find justice.
A provider for the widow,
A father to the fatherless-

Filling the gap
Men leave behind.

Is that why You have loved me
Intimately all my days?
Because You knew
It would be the only way

I could believe love exists.
Thank You
For not being broken.

It’s a different kind of fear.
When that which snarls and salivates
For your life, takes you gently in hand,
Speaks tenderly- Imitates
A safer species.

When in disarming tones,
Commending what may not be true,
Guile croons to damage,
Or even end you,
All inside a charming smile.

It’s a different fear, when underneath
Is the thing that screeches against the light.
He is just as trapped as I,
And that’s when biting creatures bite.