A crushed spirit, who can bear?
This bitter gall
This hidden grief of all
I loved and from where I felt care

Now there are only jagged stones

Cold weight and death and absence

Who can bear, and for how long?

Not I.

Tell me there’s a way
Out of captivity.
Tell me some day
I will wake next to an ocean
I will feel the warmth of the sun
And the warmth of love
And some foreign ember
Whose countenance I can’t recall
But goes by a name
Like joy, I think.

“I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.” Psalm 27:13

I throw tantrums.
I break things with my words.
I ask questions
In all the most absurd
Ways: statements, accusations,
I yearn for them to be denied
By what is.
I lay hope aside
But watch to see if she moves,
It’s she’s still alive.
She never gives up,
But she’s failed to thrive.

I want to be loved,
But it seems an impossible task.
I want peace, joy, hope,
But it is so much to ask.
And this world paints
Its fingerprints on my arms
On even the best of days
I run from paradise at any harm
And there’s always harm.
But I’m tired of being afraid.
I’m tired of being alone;
I’m tired of running away.

The worst beatings I got
Came from staying too long,
Not running fast enough
Not changing the song.
I try to be safe for people
Who are not dangerous
I felt being safe for them
Was my main purpose
But we’re all dangerous.
Even the best people can
Kick at the fences
To see if they’ll stand.

I hate violence.
It’s the song on repeat
Breaking up better refrains
But I can’t make another retreat.
I say a lot of terrible things,
But I want You to speak over me.
I want You to contradict
The curses I’ve lived and seen
With the promises You have whispered
Into my DNA.

I’m worried if I stay
I’ll stand alone under the fist of fate
That has always looked for a way
To crush me, to sate

A blade with my blood.

I’m tired of bleeding
I’m tired of running
I just want somewhere safe
For my children to play

And grow
Someplace healthy.

I’m about out of fuel,
But You don’t retreat, You don’t lose,
Even when You die alone by violence
I want to look like You, so I choose

To stand, to face the thing
That hates my face.

Stand in front of me.
I know heaven is not on this earth
Help me fulfill the purpose
You had for my birth.

If it’s my last beating,
Give me the energy to stand.
I’m so tired.

What’s happening?

I can feel it breaking free,
Like a sand bar eroding
And tumbling into the sea.

What’s happening?

You are still You.
I still belong to You.

I may never have made it
Out of the murder room,
But look at the tea party we’ve had
And if I end up leaving here soon

I’d like to reserve a table for Two
Up there with You.

Whatever it’s worth,
It’s all Yours.

Hear me again,
Like You alone have, in every age,

I know I’m broken and bizarre.
People hate me
Or pity me.

I can’t tell the difference.

But I am Yours.
For whatever it’s worth.

Melt my resistance.

It feels like You’re talking to me
More frequently again;
Please hold me close.
Is something about to happen?

I don’t like the striving world.
I don’t like the constant tug-of-more.
Always shoving to grab
We were made for

The opposite thing.
I died in this place,
Will You resurrect?
Move with grace

Like You do with a seed
That falls to the ground.
Somehow through the death
You cause life to abound.

I am grateful
For all You’ve provided
All You’ve protected
The way You have guided.

You can do anything.
And I no longer care
What You do-

Just keep me close to You.

I’m ill-fitted for anything else.
I’m done, but You, be known
In mercy, in love- I’ve run dry.
I’m by necessity alone.

I’ve don’t have what people usually want.
I’m exhausted to be.
I can’t pretend; I don’t wish to try.
Do You still want me?

Why do You want me?
I’m sorry I wasted me.

You’ve been so generous.
Help me believe,
Not what’s wrong-
Help me see

The beauty You weave.
Help me sing You a new song.

I want to feel happy.

Here You are again.

(Waiting outside the ER on a Tuesday. )

I allow,
I have always allowed
The worst to have its say.
I’ve wrapped my face with a shroud
Of lies.

I have believed
Every bad thing the enemy said
Through any willing mouthpiece
I have beaten myself, run, hid,
Quit- all because of shadow puppets.

I don’t know
What the truth of me is
But I’ll throw out the highs and lows
Whatever is left, is His-
Whatever I am, I am God’s.

I trust
If I have life left ahead
Or if I don’t, because truth must out
Whether I am alive or dead,
He can teach me who I am.

He might be
The only one on the planet

Who sees me.

I believe You hovered over the waters.

I believe You are I AM.
You speak and it is.
The Word Omnipotent.

I believe You knew,
And You knelt in the dust
And formed us anyway
In love.

I believe we had one tree,
One rule, one opportunity
To obey or disobey

In the middle of relational paradise.

I believe You answered Job
Out of a whirlwind.

I believe You taught Noah
How to build an ark in the desert.
You broke open the canopies.
You felt grief at the evil in man.

I believe You called Abraham,
Isaac, and Jacob

You walked with them,
And wrestled with them,
To make them Yours.

I believe You delivered Joseph,
And delivered many through him.

I believe You rescued Moses,
And rescued many through him.

I believe You smote Egypt
To be known by Egypt,
You parted the great waters
To deliver the humble
And to punish the proud.

You buried Moses,
You Yourself,
In an unknown grave.

You met Gideon in the winepress.
You heard Jonah from a fish belly,
And convicted him with a worm.
You heard Hannah
And caused Samuel to hear You.
You held Saul accountable,
And walked with David in grace,

You honored Bathsheeba by Solomon.

You split the kingdom
To render justice,
But you tarried with them
Unto restoration

You led them at home.
When they didn’t listen,
You led them in exile,
But You always sought them,
Spoke to them,

As Your possession.

You called Cyrus
An eagle from Persia
To be Your instrument

To restore Your people.

You wrote Rahab and Ruth
Into Your DNA.

God Infinite-
You became flesh.
Life Eternal-
You experienced death:
Messy, excruciating, alienating.

The Word Incarnate.
You walked with man
As You’ve always done
But in the humility of a body
You broke bread.
You shared wine.
Blinkless God
Slept.

You felt the constant company
Of deceitful betrayal.

You loved,
And having loved,
Loved to the end.

You made a way
Where there was no way
For us to be whole in Your sight,
For grief to give way to joy.
It is finished.

You are finishing it up,
Summing all things up in Yourself,
Collecting Your remaining treasures,

So we may live
And breathe and move
And have our being
In the light of Your radiance
Forever loved and near to You

For all eternity onward.

I believe You.
I believe it all.

And the devil may trick me,
And evil may abuse me,
And I may doubt me,
And I may waste me,

But You cannot be other,
Or less,
Than all You are.

You are All in All:
God Most Beautiful,
Most Holy,
Most Wise,
Most Wonderful,
Most Kind:

God Most High.

I believe You,
Because You are the highest Truth.

Everything else
Is polluted by lies,

But You shine
Pure Light,
Pure Life,
Pure Love.

I believe You.
I believe it all.

And I’m so glad You Are.

My mother is alone
Near the end
Without resources,
Without help, or friends,

Would You save her
From the consequences
Of the choices she can’t remember?

It’s unjust on the face,
But in love, it’s grace.

My husband said
She was right about me,
I’ll end up alone like her,
It’s hard not to doubt me

Would You save me
From the consequences
Of the choices I can’t remember?

I repeated every mistake
But Your love is the only thing at stake:

And I am convinced
That neither death nor life,
Neither angels nor demons,
Neither the present nor the future,
Nor any powers,
Neither height nor depth,
Nor anything else in all creation,
Will be able to separate us
From the love of God
that is in
Christ Jesus our Lord.

I believe You.
Would You show me a preview?

I have to believe You can make a way.