End of the Line?

I throw tantrums.
I break things with my words.
I ask questions
In all the most absurd
Ways: statements, accusations,
I yearn for them to be denied
By what is.
I lay hope aside
But watch to see if she moves,
It’s she’s still alive.
She never gives up,
But she’s failed to thrive.

I want to be loved,
But it seems an impossible task.
I want peace, joy, hope,
But it is so much to ask.
And this world paints
Its fingerprints on my arms
On even the best of days
I run from paradise at any harm
And there’s always harm.
But I’m tired of being afraid.
I’m tired of being alone;
I’m tired of running away.

The worst beatings I got
Came from staying too long,
Not running fast enough
Not changing the song.
I try to be safe for people
Who are not dangerous
I felt being safe for them
Was my main purpose
But we’re all dangerous.
Even the best people can
Kick at the fences
To see if they’ll stand.

I hate violence.
It’s the song on repeat
Breaking up better refrains
But I can’t make another retreat.
I say a lot of terrible things,
But I want You to speak over me.
I want You to contradict
The curses I’ve lived and seen
With the promises You have whispered
Into my DNA.

I’m worried if I stay
I’ll stand alone under the fist of fate
That has always looked for a way
To crush me, to sate

A blade with my blood.

I’m tired of bleeding
I’m tired of running
I just want somewhere safe
For my children to play

And grow
Someplace healthy.

I’m about out of fuel,
But You don’t retreat, You don’t lose,
Even when You die alone by violence
I want to look like You, so I choose

To stand, to face the thing
That hates my face.

Stand in front of me.
I know heaven is not on this earth
Help me fulfill the purpose
You had for my birth.

If it’s my last beating,
Give me the energy to stand.
I’m so tired.