Work is great;
My team is led by
Two great leaders in-step
With each other and
Their own internal hierarchy.
They know everything;
They patiently teach me.
I am set free alone to make it be
Through the night shift.

Last night was a lot,
But I organized and conquered,
Just under the wire
I left in exuberance,
As the sun rose.
A quick trip home
Around the corner

And his van is gone.
The door gapes open
Gulping in the arctic cold.

I stop my car unaware
In the middle of the street.
I call his phone
Twice.
No answer.

I pull into his vacant spot.
Would he take the kids?
For three breaths,
There is only my breath.
I put the car in park,
Shut down and exit,
Approaching the open door slowly
Surveying the floor
For signs of struggle or injury-
I weigh what I know, what I can;
Would he hurt them?

I get to the door.
Nothing inside is disturbed,
So I turn on the light
Then lock up behind me.
Would he leave this early
To pick up the wood?

I call him again; no answer.

Did it happen this morning,
Or last night?

I move into the next room
And hit the switch
Braced.
His bed is made, but tousled;
He slept here.
I creep up the steps
Listening with all my ears
To the silent house.

As I get upstairs,
The dogs scratch
At the inner door of a bedroom.
That’s a very good sign.
I go door to door
Silently opening them
Counting and watching
Their little chests rise and fall,
Rise and fall,
In blissful sleep.
The house up here is warm, still.

If the dogs are fine,
So are the older ones
Who let them sleep on their toes.

I step back out
His old phone is on the counter.
He got a new one yesterday.
I pull out my call log.
I am an idiot.
I called his old phone.
He must be getting wood.
The wind opened the door.
I made this all up in my head.

I slip back out
And surprise the house
With Casey’s breakfast pizza
For no reason-

To celebrate them
Breathing in their beds.

I get him a nice coffee,
Just on a whim-

To apologize for thinking the worst.

I tell no one of my morning scare
Because I was following the shadow
Of a thing that wasn’t there.

He dwells in unapproachable light
Beyond the limits of matter;
We are made of clay
In a scale model that clatters
In clumsy inefficiencies.

This hot kiln life
Is only setting the glaze,
One day, on crossing the bar,
Beyond the haze
We’ll see light in truth,

And He is both.
He is what is.

We are in His terrarium
With necessary parameters,
Perimeters and conditions,
And His Word- we swam in verse
From fiat through the curse

Until He compressed Light,
The rays, the waves,
Into a particle of Flesh
Absorbing darkness to save,
Dispelling the inefficient grave.

Look up! Look past
The walls of our reality.

I feel the immeasurable effulgence
Containing, cradling all that is low,
And the truth of it is Beyond,
And Above, and I know,
Somehow, I already know its Beauty.

Look up! Look Beyond!
All that is being sung
Is summed up in the One
His kingdom, even now, comes,
Who writes the first and last verse

Who dwells in unapproachable Light
Yearning we should gain our sight-

Open your eyes!
SEE

I feel awful.
I have blamed them bitterly
For not being ready spiritually
For the happening of me.

I wanted their protection,
Some insulation from my hell
But they couldn’t protect me from themselves;
Not one of us was well.

Forgive me
For not speaking grace
In the most powerful place
Staring full into the face
Of sin and failure.

I have no corner of this round world
That I call home
Once I’d flown, mine was overgrown
And it’s gone,

But I’ve made my peace with the road.

I have scattered mementos,
Shadows and spaces,
Of the faces I’ve loved, the places
I’ve known

But I’ve held none of them close.

I’ve learned to let go
Of everything once, if I loose my grip
And it slips away, then my grip
Was the only thing making it stay

And my grip is bound to fail one day.

The greater my affection,
The stronger the protection
In letting go of those
Who were never holding on.

But the goodbye burns slow.

This thing broke me,
Crushed me, destroyed me
From every angle

Pain I’ve never known
But You never let go.

I have seen my legs
Burnt to ash, rebuilt,
And burned again

But You take my hand
And somehow I stand.

While You are within me
Like You, I can be killed,
But I will not end

Whatever the dark tragedy
You will always have me

And so I will someday shine again.

I’m not afraid anymore.

We are an odd couple
But now that I can see
Where I belong, where I don’t,
We make sense to me.
We are both displaced souls
But he weathers what others won’t bear
He always makes room for me
And he is always there.
Who else shows up for me?
Who else guards my place?
He is my biggest threat
But my safest space
I proved I couldn’t make it
Alone on the outside.
In his own unique way
He does protect and provide
Without keeping the safety on.

I think of the world that formed us both,
And he really isn’t so bad.
He’s almost a good guy.
The best I’ve had;

The best a girl like me could keep.

I see it clearer now.
I was self-deceived.
I ignored the black flag flying
Because I wanted to believe
What I wanted to believe.

I was never on the inside,
Never invited, not out of spite
But because I didn’t belong-
I didn’t fit in right.
I would have never fit right.

They couldn’t carve room for me
Or permit me to stay near,
Not because I’m no pirate,
Not just because I’m a come-here,
But because I’m a different creature altogether.

I’m a different problem.
It isn’t because they never cared.
There’s simply no room for a thing like me
In the kind of world they share.

And I should have known
Not to show up uninvited
Not to force the issue.

Help me leave here
Empty-handed
Holding no resentment, nor regrets,
Leaving no part of myself stranded
In a land littered by the Ghosts
Of Almost, roving disbanded:
The Land of the Unresolved
Wherein no man
Can long stand

But leaving as-is
Carries a cost.

He put the world in order
While I was gathering
We weather tragedies
As we weave them
These aren’t the dreams
I meant to build
But I was born to the road
And only certain types
Travel the yellow lines
By necessity
Building a whole life
Folds like a fantasy
Into your bindle
Faded photographs
Of the lives you almost had,
Almost lived, almost loved
Until the wind changes
And you do too.
He means I’m never together
And I’m never alone
But I’ll always have help
Packing for the next leg
All the love I almost give,
All the home I almost build,
Belong to the bindle
To the faded photograph
Of who I might have been
But never have

Never could have.

Long I have wandered
The loveless spaces
Cold and jagged
Gashed soles and faceless
In the fog
I call out to You
Silently while wolves howl.
There is nothing new,
Not even the fears
I press into my chest
Your fold-worn words;
I love them best.
I huddle around them
My only warmth and hope,
My only foothold
On the icy slopes
My only friend
In the frozen wilderness,
In the hands of indifferent winters
My only touch of tenderness
Burned by the cold
Biting where I’m exposed
So long I have wandered
In search of repose,

Aching to find, to feel,
To fold myself against

A warm chest
Secure to rest
Your words in flesh
Cradling to mend and capable
Somehow capable

Of truly loving loveless me

Never letting go.