In My Head

Work is great;
My team is led by
Two great leaders in-step
With each other and
Their own internal hierarchy.
They know everything;
They patiently teach me.
I am set free alone to make it be
Through the night shift.

Last night was a lot,
But I organized and conquered,
Just under the wire
I left in exuberance,
As the sun rose.
A quick trip home
Around the corner

And his van is gone.
The door gapes open
Gulping down the arctic cold.

I stop my car unaware
In the middle of the street.
I call his phone
Twice.
No answer.

I pull into his vacant spot.
Would he take the kids?
For three breaths,
There is only my breath.
I put the car in park,
Shut down and exit,
Approaching the open door slowly
Surveying the floor
For signs of struggle or injury-
I weigh what I know, what I can;
Would he hurt them?

I get to the door.
Nothing inside is disturbed,
So I turn on the light
Then lock up behind me.
Would he leave this early
To pick up the wood?

I call him again; no answer.

Did it happen this morning,
Or last night?

I move into the next room
And hit the switch
Braced.
His bed is made, but tousled;
He slept here.
I creep up the steps
Listening with all my ears
To the silent house.

As I get upstairs,
The dogs scratch
At the inner door of a bedroom.
That’s a very good sign.
I go door to door
Silently opening them
Counting and watching
Their little chests rise and fall,
Rise and fall,
In blissful sleep.
The house up here is warm, still.

If the dogs are fine,
So are the older ones
Who let them sleep on their toes.

I step back out
His old phone is on the counter.
He got a new one yesterday.
I pull out my call log.
I am an idiot.
I called his old phone.
He must be getting wood.
The wind opened the door.
I made this all up in my head.

I slip back out
And surprise the house
With Casey’s breakfast pizza
For no reason-

To celebrate them
Breathing in their beds.

I get him a nice coffee,
Just on a whim-

To apologize for thinking the worst.

I tell no one of my morning scare
Because I was following the shadow
Of a thing that wasn’t there.