My brother hates ladybugs.
Hates their crawl, hates how they fly.
He says he pops the shell
Enough for them to die,
But not right away
They writhe where they land
And he lets ’em

Because he can’t stand ’em.

I believe Your promises are concrete.
I do not believe
In my ability to hear what actually is.
I am deceived easily; I deceive
Myself at will.
You’ve said the impossible is secure
I’m stilled by how great the promise,
How long I must endure-
Whispers say I’m telling myself stories
To get through the night.
No one is coming
To put things right,
And if someone did,
Do I really have the audacity
To believe weighed in any scale
I have anything good coming to me?
This dark obscuration
Haunted by ghosts and jackals,
Lashed by leafless branches
Driven by howling cackles
Is merely the natural consequence
Of running with my eyes closed
But I believe in the beauty of stars,
The architecture of the rose

I believe the darkness is never dark to You.
You always saw, You always knew,

And I hope You have engineered

My rescue.

I don’t deserve better than I have received.
Forgive how I groan and grumble.
Seek out this lost and wandered sheep
Lead me into my abiding humble

Tender on the rope burns.

The wheels have been long upon the grain
Surely the hulls are cracked.
I cannot remember feeling whole-
There can never be a going-back

I cannot restore myself to my kids
Every day is more tedious than the last
There are monsters in every hallway
There is nowhere fit to pass.

I don’t want restoration anymore
What would I do with joy now?
It would be a garment inadequately sized
An inappropriate song for a broken vow.

I understand the prodigal reference:
I frittered it all away.
Whether I ever find a way home
Can it change the reality of today?

I wasn’t trying to squander it all
In the land of The Other,
I just knew I was never really welcome
In the company of my brothers

And they still grind their teeth at me.
I am displaced.
I follow Your promises, like breadcrumbs
Day by day

Into day after day after day
I don’t want life or death, waking or sleep,
Whatever part of me still needs breaking
Must be buried pretty deep.

It seems to me the engine
Has been pretty well disassembled.
And even in my complaints
I lick the earth and tremble.

I believe You cannot lie,
And You will accomplish all You say,
But hope deferred makes the heart sick
And today looked like yet another day

After day after day after day.

It’s the same pattern
On repeat, oh Father
How have I been so blind?
I’ve always felt like a bother,
And that was by design.

He encourages what I love
Until I invest and enjoy it,
Then he suffocates it slowly,
Until, ultimately destroying it,
He displays torn remnants of its carcass

And when my grief levels off, and
I begin to dig the grave I’ve had to measure,
He auctions off what bits remain
To indulge his basest pleasures
Wiping the fat on my funeral shroud.

He is evil and I am blind
But even as I learn to see
What am I going to do about it
Except cry out to Thee
My Just Father-King:

Deliver me from evil.

I was a vestal sacrifice
To a ruby-toothed beast
Whose gaze becomes salivation
Licking talon to lip in feast
At tender, unblemished innocence

In the dark, I believed
(Because I could not see)
How he described himself,
How he described me
And I was painted the monster.

Meal after meal, he preyed
As I apologized
For being hard to chew
And he prized
How easily I was consumed.

In chilled blood and thirst
He devoured more each year
Complacent with his prior serving
Enjoying my growing fear
More with every passing day.

Then, just once, he thrashed
Breaking open his lair
Light fell upon his filthy scales
His spiny tail- I saw him there
In all his slimy snarl.

I saw he was the monster,
And I was not.
Now he sees it in my eyes;
I know his rot,
And he hates me more each day.

He wants my eyes to go away.

I’ve been doing the best I can,
I’ve tried so hard, for so long,
But it isn’t enough.
I am not strong.

I need You.
My children need You.

Where are You?

You promised.
Please. Gently, God.
I’m so tired.
I’m so sore.

There is no One like You.
How I abhor the company
Of the teeth that grind,
The leering, veering exultantly
Proud antipathy

To Your Eminence.

You are the One and Only
True King Eternal
Your power not bestowed,
Not validated by the external,
But radiates from Your internal

Glorious Being.

No man can wave a finger,
Nor raise a fist,
But that You allow in patience
What should not exist
Until the darkness is dismissed

And hubris feasts on dust.

Fearsome Holy God
Burning up the darkness
Like an inconsumable constellation
Like molten metal, in starkness
To the cold hearts in this

Rebellious, faithless place.

You could withdraw
Your presence, Your breath
And the wisest wither,
All that would be left
Is even less than

A shadow of death

But You tarry, for now,

Until the hour

No man may stay You.

If You will guard my little brood,
Keep them in Your perfect care,
Then there’s nothing else
I hoped for here
That is still ahead.

Thank You for the college bells,
And the Mississippi River.
Thank You for winding roads again,
And falling leaves, oh Tender Giver,
I am ready now.

Forgive the failures of my days
Try to remember what love I gave.
I am sorry I can’t surpass myself
I’m sorry for the words I should have saved,
The silence I should have kept.

I know this place was cruel to me,
But it felt like home still.
Thank You for letting me finish here
Thank You for the tenderness in Your will.

When the moment comes
To be at rest,
Bear me in arm
Cradled upon Your chest.

Please help me tend
My tender flock
Help me protect, provide,
Take stock
Of all they need to thrive
All they need to heal
Help me absorb
What they shouldn’t feel
Give them joy and health
A warmer, caring community
Give them gentleness, quiet strength,
A world of opportunities
If Your promise begins
After my death,
If they will be set free
When I lose my breath
Hold them even tighter,
Take them in hand
Protect and love them
Provide all I can’t.
They are the greatest gift
You have ever given me,
Forgive me for all
I have failed to be.

Thank You for the days I had.