Tilled, Milled, Stilled

The wheels have been long upon the grain
Surely the hulls are cracked.
I cannot remember feeling whole-
There can never be a going-back

I cannot restore myself to my kids
Every day is more tedious than the last
There are monsters in every hallway
There is nowhere fit to pass.

I don’t want restoration anymore
What would I do with joy now?
It would be a garment inadequately sized
An inappropriate song for a broken vow.

I understand the prodigal reference:
I frittered it all away.
Whether I ever find a way home
Can it change the reality of today?

I wasn’t trying to squander it all
In the land of The Other,
I just knew I was never really welcome
In the company of my brothers

And they still grind their teeth at me.
I am displaced.
I follow Your promises, like breadcrumbs
Day by day

Into day after day after day
I don’t want life or death, waking or sleep,
Whatever part of me still needs breaking
Must be buried pretty deep.

It seems to me the engine
Has been pretty well disassembled.
And even in my complaints
I lick the earth and tremble.

I believe You cannot lie,
And You will accomplish all You say,
But hope deferred makes the heart sick
And today looked like yet another day

After day after day after day.