I cannot say why
Or what good it could possibly do,
But I miss his face
The world is nothing new
And everyone feels
Like repeating vibrations
In measurable spectrums
But he radiates in isolation
Some kind of unique pulse
Outside of the white noise
Of common parameters
If I had a choice
If I had a chance
If I had anything of worth
To proffer or promote
To share the earth
Beneath each other’s feet
It would be my gravity
To be his blessing

But I am woefully insufficient
To hold such a masterpiece.

I remember, as a young girl,
Lying under a dark cloud
Sensing the swarming evil
Teeming in a death shroud
Vacuous, malevolent,
Ruthlessly cold and proud

I repeated “I belong to God”
Until it dispersed
But the hatred I felt was
Undiluted and worse
Than anger- pale, remorseless,
Gnashing curses.

Tonight, in a moment alone,
Someone who never yells,
Erupted at me violently
Kicking over a stool that fell
And skittered away between us.
Some part of me could tell

It was more than an unusual moment.
There was an old force at play.
The one who has hated me
From my first birthday
Who wanted me dead in the womb
And to cut short my stay

Scratching with borrowed fingernails
And a hunger to devour me
Whenever I am exposed
Within the power of their teeth
I could feel the surge, the attempt,
And I can now see

People don’t know what comes over them
When they get alone around me
Because it’s the same ancient evil
That has always found me.
It isn’t fully them.
It is a case, profoundly,

Of wrestling not with flesh and blood,
But powers resistant to God’s will.
I recognized the thing quickly tonight,
And it didn’t fulfill its desire to kill
But after all these decades
It hates me still.

Not because of anything about me, but because of who’s above me.
Not because of anything I am, but because the True God loves me.

The song began
And my soul returned
To cold stones
And lone grief, spurned
By all, by my closest,
But not by You
Lost to all,
And the only things in view:
A bleak shoreline of death,
Isolation, betrayal, rejection-
The utter loss that leaves
No room for correction,
Just experience.
Exiled, I died out there.
I hid my soul among the stones
Too alone to care
About a Christian burial.
Still, You wouldn’t let go,
So I didn’t cross over.
Now I know
The pit goes deeper,
But so does Your grace.
There was no one to reach for me
Down into my burial place.
If it weren’t for You
I would have died completely alone:
That’s all I’ve ever had, or meant,
Worse now that I’ve grown
Beyond the blush of youth
Where no one winces at my attack
But You held me as I died,
And You brought me back.

If I’m being honest,
I miss the mornings aloft:
Roof walks and coffee black
And laughter. I miss being soft.
I miss loving from my depths.
I miss being able to be me,
I miss the mirage of connection;
But I invoke cruelty
In my natural state
In greater imbalanced ratios
Than I inspire kindness
Or allegiance or hope.
So I’ll continue to ossify and obscure
My old attitudes
While in this foreign land
I’ll remember with gratitude
You parting the waters
And leading me through.
Whatever happens,
Let them all know it was You.

Let them know how much I’m Yours.

Eyes that can’t see.
Ears that can’t hear.
These are the frustrations
Of a God who draws near-
I think He speaks
In what we see as incidence,
Repeating patterns,
Symmetry, coincidence-
His language permeates all,
Every moving mite of matter:
Light, sound, the fluidity of time
Is His divine chatter.

Father, give me eyes to see,
Ears to hear,
To step where You step,
To stay ever near.

Nothing is impossible
With You.
I believe every promise
Will come into view.

I have glimpsed the gossamer strings
In the loom of mystery,
And I know the Weaver King is True.

What You have vowed,
You will do.

Forgive me
For uttering a word
Against Your promises
It’s profoundly absurd
To imply tardiness
Or impotence
To the only invariably
Sure and reliable substance
In all existence:
Your nature and intent.
Of my pride and idolatry,
In ash, I repent.
If my way is dark
It’s because I am blind
Fashion a salve, apply the balm,
Help me find
The path back home

Into Your will.

You give and You take away;
Blessed be Your name forevermore!

That last prayer
Was just another way of saying
I’m angry.
I wasn’t really praying
For forgiveness,
I wanted retribution,
But these feelings are foreign
To my constitution
You created me differently,
So I bow the knee
To none other but You
Forgive me,
And forgive them.

Always Do
What pleases You
Cauterize my bitterness.
Let Your will be done on earth, as it is

Everywhere else through all time.

Forgive me, Father,
For banging the judge’s gavel
From the seat of pardon-
For letting myself harden and unravel.
Whatever they have done,
Or refused to do,
Is not my jurisdiction:
I surrender my claims to You.
You don’t sever wholesale;
You judge each by their fruit.
I turn them over to You
And release the pursuit.
Vengeance is Yours,
And You’ve promised vindication
Is the heritage of Your servants:
Forgive my imprecations.
I walk away, and from my sandals
I shake off the dust.
Repair my faith, my love, my hope,
And most of all, my shattered trust.

Thank you for the good;
Redeem or remove the bad.
When the tears eventually run dry
Instruct me again how to be glad,

Restore to me Your joy.

I cannot fathom what it takes
To sit behind a lens
And watch someone die
Again and again and again and again
The self-protected, self-contented,
Voyeuristic, sadistic extremes
Preferring to consume, then expel,
Instead of care and intervene.
Self-righteous murderers slurping
Whatever blood doesn’t cry from the sod:
My only hope is that man
No longer reflects the image of God.

This grief is bitter in my soul
And longs to murder the approaching day
What is required of me
Is beyond what I can pay.
There are none alive
Who will stand for.good.
Promises feel like bread crumbs
Circling inside the dark wood:
My only hope and sustenance,
But they seem utterly useless.
I have met no one here
Who isn’t ruthless.
Tonight, with my closed fist,
I want to burn down this world of men
Because it will be the only warmth
I will ever get to feel again.
I want to wish away every moment
I’ve ever shared with another
Erase every word and shared smile
Cover every laughter until smothered
Until I swear my soul to concrete
That I will never return in grace
To those hungry souls
Who ate my place.

But that’s the kind of sacrifice
You bleed to an idol, not a Lord.
That’s an allegiance
I cannot afford.

And so I mindlessly stutterstep
Barefoot through broken hope
Shattered shards slice deep
Beyond what I can cope,
But I’m ever alone, and it’s all on me

To never buckle under the weight
Of every bitter thing.

Maybe I should just burn down me:
There’s no one to grieve.