All of my days, so full
Of the myriad of moments
The complex paradox
Of human atonements
And divine renderings.
How prodigal I’ve been.
Look on my ignorance;
Forgive my sin.

On those incapable of love,
I spent it all.
So did You,
In the throes of our fall,
But Your love
Changes a man;
Mine built houses
Of sand.

I’m world weary
In my bones
Please let my journey
End in a forever home.
When I close my eyes
In my final tears,
And lay to rest
These tragic years.

Or else, let my heaven
Be a lonely meadow in bloom
Wherein no predators
Will ever consume.
I told You once: I’m so small.
I asked You to carry me
Into tomorrow:
Maybe tomorrow is eternity.

I’m sorry I wasted my hours.
I don’t have any more stakes
To drive into the earth.
Please don’t forsake

Your foolish child.

Father, cleanse my soul.

For believing the worst of my friends,
Forgive me.
For speaking what offends,
Forgive me.
For thinking as means to an end,
Forgive me.
For demanding food for my sin,
Forgive me.

For stepping into another’s place,
Forgive me.
For seeking comfort over grace,
Forgive me.
For desiring anyone else’s face,
Forgive me.
For resenting running my own race,
Forgive me.

For turning a shoulder
Where I may have extended a hand,
Forgive me.
For thinking of myself
When I could have tried to understand
Forgive me.

For taking or keeping
What I may have shared,
Forgive me.
For expecting care
Where I ought to have cared,
Forgive me.

For coming to be served
And not to serve,
Forgive me.
For treating love and grace
Like substances deserved,
Forgive me.

Most grievously I have sinned,
Let Your mercy know no end!
I have no righteousness to display
Let Your glory light the way!
Cover me in bridal garments of grace alone
Prostrate I fall before Your holy throne

And surrender all of my nothings.

Cleanse me in Your tenderness,
Worthy Lamb and Father.

Forgive me
My speech became a saturation
Of resentment
And bitter accusation.

Help me
Extract precious from worthless
The heavy grief
Leaves me mirthless.

And the pain,
And the lonely work ahead
May be my days
All that remains before dead

Resurrects alive in me.

The tiny, baby hairs
On the back of my neck
Bristled in warning
Before and behind, I checked
For the being I felt
Staring with malicious intent
The darkness took form
Street noises went absent
Is this because of my new routine,
Or just the year I’ve had?
I sense danger in persona,
Threat in shadows-clad,
Is it in reality?
Some kind of spiritual stew?
Or just psychological drift illusion
Looking through trauma-residue
In fragmentary awareness
With an understanding
Of the new risk levels
I am handling.

But then,
Has there ever been anything right,
Or safe, or trustworthy
In the night?

Is safety even a real thing?

Who condemns you?
Go in peace.

The stones have been hurled,
By venomous tongues in quiet places
How heavy they have landed
Condemnations graceless-
I was innocent in my engagement.
I just wanted to know and be known.
I wanted a little mousehole
I could call my own; I could call home.
The arrogant lovers-of-self
Publicly stripped me bare
Disproportionate to my crime.
Vanity of vanities, they only cared
For their own reflections.
What a fool I have been!
How I believed the good in men’s hearts
Would never stand such treacherous sin!
I must have been too high maintenance.
How relieved everyone becomes
To expel me from their presence
Unfit for family, I follow the crumbs from
Days to weeks to months

In circles,

But there’s no going home
Because I don’t have one
I never did.

I miss our home.
I miss feeling secure
In my husband’s love,
Staying indoors
In our warm little nest
With our little brood
Holding them for hours,
Preparing warm food
For our warm souls.
I loved our little family.

How will I ever grieve it away?

How will the loneliness
Ever die on its own?
Can it die alone?

I am still broken, Father.
Please remember Your maidservant.

I know I’m looking at this all wrong.
I keep trying to forgive
As mind over matter
But the grief I’ve lived
Exacts blood, and I cry out.

I sensed the narcissism, the rage,
I sensed the treasury
Of self-satisfied pride,
But I never sensed the treachery,
Or the reliance on unjust gain.

But I don’t want them destroyed:
I pray You dismantle the dysfunction.
Purify them of their idols.
Rebuild them for a higher unction
Than self-aggrandizement at cost.

Help me remember when the pain swells,
And the anger shakes my fist
That I survived
And You redeem the twists
Of Fate’s chains.

Thank You
For establishing the work of my hands,
In a place of provision and fairness
Where I need not buckle under demands
Far out of their jurisdiction.

Purify me of the loves I shouldn’t hold.
Help me to move forward and fully let go.
When people show me they don’t care
Help me to see; help me to know
Like the fig tree that refuses to bear.

Thank You for those in my life now
Who value me in surprising ways.
Help me be a blessing to them,
As I used to pray every day
At Wellness.

Protect me from the folly of my affections.
Lead me in wisdom and discretion.
Help me leave them to You,
And not look back in my procession
Like Lot’s wife did.

Give me the strength for the work ahead,
And the needed endurance and skills
I will keep endeavoring to make my hands strong,
Continue to deal with me from Your gracious will,

Jesus, my most gentle and generous Savior.

The people here saw everything,
They heard it all, they covertly knew
My deepest wounds and suffering
And the only thing they chose to do
Was withhold justice for nepotism,
And abandon me to my plight
In isolation, knowing the weight I bear
They engage in their delights
Apathetic to the destruction
They both wrought and condoned
If You ask, I forgive them
But I beg You, make it known
What they have done,
Confront them with their sin.
Let them repent in sackcloth and ash
Topple the towers they pride themselves in
They’re foreigners to kindness.
It’s equally brutal to silently view
A soul get exsanguinated-
They don’t care, but I believe You do.

It hurts because I loved, I trusted,
And I must never do that again.
Because it’s also hatred in a soul
To watch a wolf devour a lamb,

And feel like a better person for just watching.

“Far be it from You to do such a thing, to kill the righteous with the wicked, so that the righteous and the wicked are treated alike. Far be it from You! Shall not the Judge of all the earth deal justly?””
Genesis 18:25

A funny thing happened tonight
On my way into the shop,
I couldn’t take another step
Where I walked, I stopped
And stared at Your sunset
Lighting the clouds
And screamed silently in my soul,
But made no noise aloud.
I considered death,
But knew I was trapped.
I stood still and stared.
People overlapped.
Then they starting looking up
And talking to me
About the evening color
Being a beauty.
Younger ones,
Cameras held high,
Started taking pictures
Of the pinked sky
The fingernail moon
Winking back
Softened splendor
Soon to ebb black.
So many stopping in wonder
They had no way to know
I was only stalled in the street
Because there was no way to go.

I’m struggling
To file away what happened
To understand
How to process
Wellness.

All the extremes
In coexistence
Bonded by a sense of superiority
In juvenile resistance:
Bullies.

Children playing
King of the hill
Merry in their game
Erupting at will
If they lost any ground.

Always withholding,
Derisive, and distant-
Did I love them
Because they didn’t?
They wouldn’t?

Or was it because
Inside their lawlessness
A kind of rogues’ code
Formed a flawless mess
Of to-the-death loyalty

For the thieves and tyrants
Born inside the guild,
The ones grandfathered in
Did I love that they all killed,
To-the-man, to protect themselves?

Or was I Wendy
In love with the Lost Boys,
Hoping to nurture
In comfort and joy
Adulthood from adolescence?

Was it for the
Angels of their better natures
The gold ore inside the vein
The humanity hidden in vapors
Between their masquerade?

Or did I love them
For the presence of things uncertain?
For the concealed, selfless kindness
Of the one behind the curtain?

The gentle patter of loving rain
On a hot tin roof.

proverbs 27:5