I awoke this morning,
To the same repetitions
Ending with coffee on the porch
Thinking of my night’s petitions
Into silence and inertia
Asking why no one cared,
Why I must remain unloved;
So close to accusation, I was scared.

Coffee in hand now,
My children gather
Around a small dead sparrow
Lifeless little feathers
In front of our home,
In the center of our path
And my daughter, deeply moved,
Asks what kind of life it had.
I tell her I don’t know,
But not a bird falls to earth
Outside of His care
And I wonder if my worst

Can still be hidden in His best.

They sell promises like snake oil.
What part of this is real,
And what has exploitation distorted?
I have contorted
My every genuflection.
Are these the reflections
Of our desire, or the higher reality?
Is my mortality
Hidden in Your infinity?

God, my God, grant me serenity.

The night I begged
And nothing happened.

I want to scream against the night
Guttural, ephemeral, until my echo
Reaches whatever height
Is required for You to know

I can’t do this forever.

These wounds feel wasted, by and by,
Show me who You are
Show me You aren’t some lullaby
We sing at the dark

To put off the Never.

If no one is coming to love me
Don’t fill my sails
With the winds of hope, see
How I fail

And have pity if You don’t have mercy.

Oh You, my King, the God in Egypt,
God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob:

Love Your possession;

Show Yourself.

I say with all utmost respect.

I miss home;
Lightning bugs and the song of crickets
Time to waste, time to roam,
Tromping through meadows and thickets
Never crowded, never alone

I miss belonging somewhere
In a way no one could overturn
Just because I was always there;
With nothing to earn
And everything to spare.

I want his face to kiss
The one who matches my soul
That one I have always missed
In whose absence I am never whole
Whom I have prayed some simple twist

Of fate, or coincidence
Would bring us close enough to touch.
He who is my home.

The vodka warms my gut
Like a pot-bellied stove
No one knows is burning
A sensory-laden trove

Hidden in plain sight.

No one sees me,
And today, in the mystery,
I take advantage of the benefits
Of the anonymity

And numb myself to the touches
I never receive.

The dog cried
And I felt the fabric tear,
The message clear,
Hatred burns there
And murder is imprisoned
By thin restraints
And more bad omens
The yelping complaints
Foreshadow my own when

His hands may fall upon me.

Saul grumbled against You tonight
And I could see his hand around the spear
By the things that follow, I’m touched by fright
Uphold the one You’ve held as dear
Preserve my life from the lion’s den
Like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego
When I stand defenseless before violent men
And what will occur, I cannot know:
Steel my reserves; cause me to stand
Whether I survive or perish.
You have inscribed me on Your hand:
Unworthy, unable, but cherished
Like You say bridegrooms sometimes do.
You’ve whispered the silence now approaches
And I’m scared of losing You,
And falling, falling into Your reproaches
But You never turn bitter, nor turn away,
Nor remove the mask of facade:
You will love me, come what may,
Because You, and You alone, are God.

I’ve always tried to be
The friend I thought I’d need
But Karma called my hand
And it was empty.

Oh, how hard I tried-
How I swam against the tide
Swirling into the monster.
There’s nowhere now to hide,

No closet in which to weep.
Am I becoming the thing that ate my sleep?
And if I should die before I wake
Was any part of me ever worth the keep?

Empty hands. Empty dreams.
The emptied soul no one sees.

I watch him as he goes
With all my children inside the van
But what is inside the man
Is a thing I cannot know.
A soul marred by knots and gnarls
Some foul sulfur in the exhale.
Resonating behind a pleasant veil
Seeps a constant, guttural snarl
But there are a million ways to bleed
And if I’m being fair
They may thrive more in his care
Than around my ever-aching need;

My failures and retreats.