Deposed

The last year
Required more than I had
Not in new demands
But old ones staggered
Closer together

I tried

I threw everything combustible
Into the furnace fuming
Then everything that was left
To keep the engine burning
But as we sputtered

Into the station

The engine died

Still I tried

Desperately working two rails
Pushing forward through pain
Isolated by indifference
Trying to remain
An adoring helper

As I promised to be
Forever
And in my fervor
To keep it together
The wheels fell off

And I stood in shock
In the silence of a train wreck
Beyond comprehension
In slow-motion reflection
And I saw the machine

Honestly
And for the first time.

I saw the apathy and resentment
Inside the casing
Of the words I believed
Poisoned pills- embracing
The thing that deceived me

Because I agreed I was too much
And too little
To deserve love
I worked and whittled
Myself to sharpened bones

And apologized
For what was no sin
And groveled
For permission
To be myself

I can’t unsee the wreckage.

I wandered out numb
To a gentler place
Kindness framed
Familiar new faces
I sat in peace

Even joy.

I wasn’t working, fighting,
In the blood and the sweat
Or paying assigned penance
Before the accusations were read-
I was just a woman.

I was real and seen
I could sing and play
And I was limited too,
And that was okay
I was a real woman.

It was the best I’ve ever felt.

Now I’m entering the marathon
Set ahead of me
One I must run
By necessity
And I must.

My feet pick up the pace
The repetitive drumming
But I carry with me all the
Hopscotch and humming

In the burnt-out hollowed
Engine room of my soul.